"Crazy Girl" Eli Young Band

"My step is sure and I know my name"

I wonder. Is it possible that we encounter the best of things in our lives. If we experience the best of the best, does that mean we're always going to be disappointed because we will always make comparisons? Am I destined to always be disappointed? I suppose I need to give this whole idea some time to settle in. I know this is going to sound mean probably, but I don't intend it to hurt anybody. So far, I'm completely disappointed. Maybe I haven't given the alternatives fair chances yet....am I supposed to force myself to tolerate things that I am clearly not interested in? The answer I keep coming back to is time. I just need to give myself time. I don't really feel comfortable forcing myself to do something that I clearly don't want to do. There is one alternative that I am mildly interested in exploring. I intend to explore this particular alternative at a pace that I feel good about: slowly. 
      I guess in a way I am scared. I'm afraid because for the first time in my life I don't want to jump right in again. I don't think this is anything to be afraid of, I think it is a good thing. I think I am finally learning. Maybe this time I will give myself the time I need to heal properly. I don't want to rip the band-aid off in a few months and find out that the wound is just as deep, and just as painful as it is now. I don't feel like putting up with bullshit, I don't feel like playing games. I'm realizing that it is true, what I need to do is pursuit those things that make me happy. I need to stand up on my own and realize that I don't need help from anyone. I've come to terms with where I am at in life. I have come to terms with what has happened. I have accepted the choices I have made and the choices that have affected me. I can't very well change anything that happened, and at this point I don't feel like I even want to change anything. Mistakes were made, it feels liberating to let those mistakes go.

Farewell nightmares, I am free.

"I am on my way to a brighter day." Thank you Adam Young, for being awesome and always saying the right thing. The photo above makes me think of cotton candy, which in return, makes me smile because I really like cotton candy. Finals and presentations being over is also going to make me smile. Unfortunately, that means I have to go home. I'd prefer to go far away and hike big mountains and see lots of beautiful exotic things. I am very much looking forward to receiving the book that I ordered from Amazon, "The Last Unicorn." Also, I will be getting my cartilage pierced yet again when I return home. I have the most perfect little silver leaf earring. Hopefully this time the piercing will heal in a reasonable amount of time, there is no way I am putting up with that shit for two years again. Not.worth.it. 
          I am looking forward to several things: the new owl city album, sun, green leaves, motorcycle rides and possibly softball. But mostly the new Owl City album lol. Oh, AND MY SUPER SECRET SUMMER PLAN. I'm sorry but I had to say that, I understand that everyone is probably dying to know what it is now. I'm sure it isn't nearly as cool as you're imagining.....no, actually it probably is just as cool, if not cooler. Sorryyyy.

 

"Here's the sun come to dry to rain, warm my shoulder and relieve my pain."

Sometimes I have no other choice but to laugh at the happenings of my life. Lately, I feel as though just as I begin to get up, life slaps me down again. As this happened to me today, I actually began to laugh. I literally laughed out loud (loled, if you will). I laughed, and it all seemed less significant the more I laughed. There are times in your life when you don't have many other choices but to be amused. Doesn't it seem that the more you want something, the more it eludes you? Then finally, when you give up the fight, whatever you have been chasing begins to follow you. The question to ponder is whether you are supposed to grab it while you can, or give it up like you intended. In my particular situation, I feel as though I am dealing with a stray cat. It has began to follow me but it is still too afraid for me to try to catch it. I intend to ignore this particular cat for a while longer, maybe with my absence it's heart will grow fonder.

"To know him is to love him"

"And our love's the only truth That's why I run to you"

Ah, hard to believe that I go home tomorrow evening. I infinitely enjoy getting in my car and listening to music at an un-necessarily high decibel. I enjoy speeding. I enjoy opening my sunroof. So I am looking forward to that, I hope the weather is nice.

   Tomorrow morning is going to be kind of busy. I have to run, shower, pack my car, submit my Economics assignment and go to housing before 9:30. I'm going to probably get up at 6:30....go running for half an hour. I'll figure it out. Also, for policy tomorrow we are pulling up Garlic Mustard.....that will be interesting. Much better than having actual class. I probably won't post anything over Easter break, so this may be the last until Tuesday. 

"I analyze every word just trying to find flaws"

I just completed a pretty substantial amount of school work before noon. It's a miracle. Now let's hope work is busy and I make lots of tips!! Despite some rough days, this week does seem to be going by rather quickly. I spoke on the phone with one of my best friends last night. Talking to her was really really refreshing, I think it pulled be a little bit back from the edge of insanity. What a good conversation we had, just laughing and talking. I miss her terribly. More good news, I am having a good hair day today. haha.                                              
     There are just those weeks that kick your ass. The last 2 weeks have been exactly that for me. Without weeks like that, I wouldn't appreciate the good ones as much. I suppose you have to take the bad with the good. That is something I can live with. I'll admit though, I come out of those weeks feeling worn out, mentally and physically. Running has become a really positive force in my life. For the first time in my entire life I find myself looking forward to the time I have to put on my running shoes and escape for a little bit. That is exactly it, running has become an escape for me. I really enjoy the feeling of just being on my own, knowing that nobody can reach me. Just getting away from everything, I think that's a really healthy feeling.
      I am feeling good today. I am feeling happy and optimistic. What a welcomed feeling, it seems as though happiness has been eluding me lately. Just as sleep has been. I have been just dreading to get in my bed lately, I just toss and turn. Every single night. Hopefully tonight I will be more successful at falling asleep. I used to go to bed early and fall right asleep and I was a deep sleeper. I would wake up feeling good. Not anymore. I should be thankful that I am sleeping at all, I suppose. I know eventually I will sleep, it is just a matter of time. I have no recollection of dreams also, which is most likely a good thing.