beautiful

Stumbled across this and instantly loved it.

“Books are mirrors: you only see in them what you already have inside you.” -The Shadow of the Wind

We have been talking about macroeconomics in the the Economics of the Environment course I am taking this semester. How extremely depressing. More specifically, the last two classes we have read an article called "Why Isn't Wall Street in Jail?" the subtitle is "Financial crooks brought down the world's economy- but the feds are doing more to protect them than to prosecute them." Now, I admit I don't fully grasp this whole confusing mess, but I am starting to. I surely grasp it enough to know that these people are cheating the middle class out of their security. How can people like, John Mack, former chairman of Morgan Stanley, sleep at night? I suppose I am just am optimist, so I am forced to believe that he must come up with some sort of justification for what he has done. Or could it be that he is just a horrible human being? How can executives at Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae be caught misreporting their earnings and all they suffer is a fine. The most appalling part, in my opinion, is that our own federal government is not only turning its cheek, but it is playing a part in protecting these people.
        Hearing stuff like this makes me want to bury all the money I save in a bank in my backyard. I honestly feel that my money would be more secure buried in my backyard then in the hands of these corporate crooks. Regardless of the people that are stealing, the system itself is so critically flawed. And the big question: What the hell does anyone do to correct this? God only knows.
       One of the reasons I am looking forward to summer is that I will be able to start reading books for my enjoyment again. Last semester I did pretty well in managing to continue to read some books of my choice. This semester, being that I am taking 17 credits, I really haven't had much time for that. I have managed to compile a list of books that I would like to read this summer. Some of the books we are required to read for classes are quite enjoyable. For example, in Environmental Philosophy we are reading "The Age of Missing Information" by Bill McKibben. I haven't finished it yet, but it is a really thought provoking book so far. I have read a few of McKibben's books and I have enjoyed them all so far. And, of course, "Water for Elephants" which was quite possibly my favorite novel of all time, is coming out on film on April 22nd. Reese Witherspoon, whom may I mention IS MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, is playing one of the main roles. Robert Pattinson, will also be playing one of the main characters. Lets just say I'm a little bit excited.

"Reality is a lovely place, but I wouldn't want to live there."

I don't understand why some people feel the need to be mean. Today I had to register for two summer classes and get some other school related things worked out. I called the registrar's office at a college  that I will refrain from disclosing the name of....actually nah, I won't, it was at SUNY Ulster. The woman I spoke to was just plain nasty to me for absolutely no reason. I was so close to asking her why she was being so difficult, maybe then she would get a sort of wake up call. Even if I am having a bad day, I am never mean to people, especially when I am at work. In a way it is good to run into people like that every once in a while, because they make you really appreciate the nice, friendly people out there. They also remind you how important it is to be patient and kind. 
         Today was a pretty gloomy day, it rained for the majority of the day. However, after my lovely conversation with the woman in the registrar's office, things improved substantially. I managed to register for one of the classes I need and I straightened out some of the other questions I had. Picking out classes for my last semester makes me wonder how the hell I got to this point? When I was in high school it seemed like forever, but college flew right by me. Experiencing this is totally unreal. I am immensely proud of myself and extremely thankful to all the people that contributed to how far I've gotten. I wish my freshman in high school self could see me now, would have saved me a lot of worrying. We all have our own mountains to climb, finishing college is just one of several monsters I've managed to master. There are certainly others I'm still working on. 
        One of my professors said something today that made my heart smile. This particular professor is one of my absolute favorites. Ironically, I was absurdly frightened of him at the start of the semester because he is one of the professors that calls on people, no matter whether their hand is up or not. This is not my cup of tea. However, I have surprised myself and I now love his class and have managed to be a rather coherent speaker. Anyway, after discussing the reading we had done for class he said something to this effect: "The reading we just discussed is an excerpt from a very popular law school textbook, the majority of environmental law programs use this book. That means that any of you could do just fine in a law program, you have the skills you need to succeed." I was extremely impressed by this statement because, to me, it seemed so premeditated. He sounded so sincere and it is as if he was saying this to us because he remembers what it is like to be juniors and seniors in college and be scared out of your mind because you have no idea what you want to do and no idea if you are prepared for what will come next. He was successful in raising my hopes, if only a little bit, that maybe someday I will go to to law school. Just a side note, he is an attorney and has practiced law in Japan and California. Seems like a pretty solid piece of encouragement. As I walked up the steps to Ames this afternoon, I couldn't help but feel as if I was where I belong.

"The layered sadness and the madness it revolves"

It is a gorgeous day. Unfortunately for me, I have a lot of work to catch up on. Maybe later I will manage to get out for a little bit and go for a run. I really love the feeling I get in Spring, that everyday brings the guarantee that the days following will be increasingly more beautiful and warm. The beginning of April can be unpredictable to a point, but the point is that Summer is coming. I don't think I've fully come to terms with the fact that I'm turning 21 in 2 weeks. I can remember so clearly when my brother and his friends were turning 21, it seems totally unreal that they are now turning 25 and I am in their place. It's funny because whenever some thing big like this approaches I am tempted to want to put on the breaks. Yes, this is super awesome that I can now legally drink, but I have many years to be able to drink. Maybe I want to be 20 for another year? haha, just kidding. Really tho, I've heard that 21 is the ideal age, and that after 21 it all goes downhill. Will this be the last birthday that I look forward to? Shit. I guess if the world ends in 2012 I'll be glad that I had 8 months to be 21. Either way, 21 is coming. 
     Yesterday I practiced piano for an hour or so. Taking piano lessons was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I really enjoy playing the piano. It can be frustrating at times because I wish I was better than I am but I suppose that just means I need to practice more and I will improve more quickly. I am getting better tho and the plan is to continue playing over the summer. Well, I better get back to my work or I'll never get outside today.

"Shipwrecked in a sea of faces, there's a dreamy world up there."

Sometimes I really drop the ball and I dive into an ocean of regret and insecurities. I always end up doing things I regret. It's as If I swim down 4,000 feet only to realize that what I was looking for was only a few feet down, and then I panic because I realize I don't have any oxygen. As many people do, I harbor a lot of insecurities. I am my own biggest critic. I guess you could call it a phase, where I just self-destruct for a few weeks. I get this idea in my head that I need to change. I mull over my imperfections something wicked. Well, I've just come out of a phase as described. The conclusion I've drawn is that I do more harm then good when I fall into this phase.  There are habits I'd like to lose and things I would like to dedicate myself to, but tearing myself down is not the correct way to go about it. It is really as simple as becoming aware of what I would like to work on, and then taking steps to change it. 
       On a different note, I have been thinking it is time for a haircut. My hair is quite long at this time and I love it. However, due to frequent mistreatment (straightening mostly) I have developed a more than fair amount of split ends. I would probably have to get 7-8 inches cut off to remove all of the split ends, and that is putting it lightly. The truth is, I have been putting this off because I am embarrassed at what the hairdresser will say. Last time I went to an actual hair cutting place I got a lecture about how I need to get my hair cut more frequently to avoid massive amounts of split ends. I LIKE HAVING MY HAIR LONG AND I DON'T WANT TO SPEND $15 EVERY 2 WEEKS ON HAIRCUTS, OKAY, SO HOP OFF. Really, I was paying for a hair cut, not for a lecture. After that ordeal I began having my mom cut my hair. After being cut with scissors by my mom I promised her she would never come near me with scissors again. Therefore, I am faced with only one choice. Also, I would like to be adventurous and try out bangs again which requires an individual with some skill. I am preparing myself for the worst. I will probably end up going next time I am home, which will intentionally be after I turn 21. So I can get sufficiently drunk if things don't go well. hahaha, Starting off 21 on the right foot.

"Breathing the sweet forest air makes a blue bird aware that she could be free"

Something I would love to experience: A hot air balloon ride. Feeling the wind and the sun up there must be amazing. I've always been such a sucker for pure blue skies, I'd love to be a part of that. Today is an absolutely gorgeous day. It was 50 degrees earlier, the sky is a Robin's egg blue color. Days like this are so torturous in March, because I know very well that tomorrow it could snow. In fact, supposedly it is going to snow 6-12 inches on Friday. Last weekend I cleaned out my room when I was home. I threw out 3 large bags of paper garbage and one large bag of plastic garbage. Being able to actually walk into my walk in closet, for the first time in about 13 years, was a pretty exquisite feeling. The next step will be donating the clothes I don't wear...about two-thirds of them and reducing the number of items in my room. A cluttered room makes me feel like my mind is cluttered as well. I was really in the market for a good Spring cleaning...of course my car will be next. I think half of the gravel from the GMC parking lot is on my driver's side floor mat. It is hard to believe that I will be heading home for the summer in a short 5 weeks. Unfortunately I have a fair amount of work to do between now and then. Also, it is always the hardest to concentrate during this last month because the weather starts to get warm and sunny. Definitely looking forward to getting some sun and going swimming and eating lots of ice cream.

"I should've known that I'd feel colder when I walked alone "

I always admire those that can write an amazing blog entry and not sound like a completely crazy individual. Not sounding like a nutjob will definitely be something I aim for. I have recently come to realize that I really enjoy writing. However, the enjoyment I derive from writing is purely a product of leisure writing. I don't recall I've ever gone at writing an essay with anything less than dread and I doubt that will ever change. I hope, that much like drawing, practice makes perfect when it comes to writing. Getting thoughts on paper has always been an issue for me. Thought overload is a common affliction. On occasion though, something exciting will happen to me. I will be writing and suddenly a word will come to me that I wasn't even aware was in my vocabulary. I cannot think of such words at will, they just come to me randomly. For example, I used the word 'exude' the other day for probably the first time ever.
     These last few weeks have been a bit crazy. Between internship applications and junior review portfolios and scholarship applications and registering for the fall and housing applications I have been busy. Most of these things are behind me now, thankfully. The constant thought, of course, is what will I do in December when all of this school related stuff is over. For the last 10 years it has been all about school, soon it will be over and I haven't talked much about what comes after. To be honest, I am not worried. Things have a way of working out. It isn't that I don't have ideas, I have quite a few but I am pretty unsure what I want in general. Anything could happen in the next 9 months, I'm not going to get ahead of myself.
     On another topic, It seems as though in the last year I've had a couple previously close people drop out of my life for various reasons. One has been particularly harder to let go of. I do believe I've learned quite a bit about myself through this person. For one, they taught me how to light a match which has proved to be a very useful skill. I have witnessed the power that trust can have through this individual. It makes me sad to let go. I've never been good at letting go, I always hold on too long and then have lots of regrets. It is especially hard when you don't want to put a part of your life behind you, but it just feels like the right thing to do. I won't lie, letting go hurt like hell and I know it's going to ache for a while. Ultimately, I feel like I gave it all I had and I can't beat myself up about too much. Regardless of the rough patches I experienced with this person, the entire experience can be characterized as a positive one, and I sure wouldn't trade it for anything. Most importantly, I wish him the very best in his life. I will always have faith that he can do anything he sets his mind to, all he has to do is set his mind.