I downloaded a bunch of songs. So, I absolutely love old music. One of the songs I downloaded was "Why do Fools Fall in Love" By Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers. That song immediately makes me want to get up and dance. I also downloaded a couple Sam Cooke songs, he is my ultimate favorite. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. Eventually I did get to sleep, thankfully, and I woke up before my alarm around 8:25. I have a bunch of things to do today. The majority of my day will be spent working on this Environmental Philosophy paper that I have barely started. Ten pages, ugh. I proceeded to do some packing last night, I put away some of the clothes I know I won't wear between now and Monday. This weekend, when my mom comes, we will start to pack my car. I'd like to have that all done by Monday so I can just get in my car and go when my last class meeting is done. Also, Sunday is Mother's day, I was working on a necklace for my Mom, but I haven't finished it. Okay, it is paper writing time.
How do you take advice? What do you do with things that people tell you? My problem is that I am gullible and easily persuaded. If something tells me something I immediately just instinctively trust the best in people and I believe them. I am perceptive enough to question what they say soon after, but I fall into traps super easily. Saying that, I just had a conversation with someone I haven't spoken to in a while, and they told me something that I hadn't heard before. A pretty important, possible deal breaker in a part of my life. My first instinct is to be furious and impulsively act. But since I know this about myself; I stopped. So now, what do I do? Formulate a plan, I suppose. Now, I do know this information is based somewhat on truth. My concern is that the person exaggerated a fair amount, or is just a little misguided. But at the same time, what they said may not effect my decision, whether it is true or not. Mostly because I think I've been coming to that conclusion anyway. If that is the case, that this particular information wouldn't change my conclusion...then I know that is the right thing to do, for sure. I'm gaining strength. All I need is a little bit of time to gain momentum. Luckily I have 4 days. Bring it on.
Merriam-Webster defines Grace as "ease and suppleness of movement or bearing, a charming or attractive trait or characteristic, a virtue coming from God, the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful." She handles her problems with grace and dignity, they use as the example. Grace is a characteristic that I strive to adopt. To me, to have grace means to let negative things roll of your back, and treat the world and those you meet with respect and be just the right amount attentive. I feel that to have grace, means to treat others and yourself with respect. To take things, not because you think you deserve them, but because you think anyone deserves to be valued and deserves to be loved. This may all sound so cheesy, but to have grace is a great compliment and accomplishment in my eyes. My actions don't always reflect the way I feel. I often don't grant myself the appreciation or the credit that I have worked hard for. I have never been one to let anyone walk all over me, until the last year or so. I've done my share of wrong-doing as well, but two wrongs don't make a right. I hope these next 6 days I can work on keeping my chin up, and allowing myself some of the respect that I know I, like everyone else, deserve. I'm not blaming, I'm not pointing fingers. People often don't realize the implications of their actions. Sometimes feelings are hurt without any ill intention, without any maliciousness. I believe this situation is a good example of that, but nonetheless, It is my responsibility to protect myself, and to remove myself from a situation when I don't feel I am being treated right. I know I'm not perfect, I've paid for many mistakes I've made. There is no shame, nothing wrong, with taking a few steps back and putting aside some time to recover, to heal.
The days finally seem as though they are passing very slowly. Yesterday felt like an eternity. Most of the hard work is behind me now. I have one paper and a couple exams to go. All done with presentations, thank god. It seems like lately, there is always something I have to do. I am going to be so relieved when I can go home and relax for like 4 days, until I have to look for a job and start my summer classes. It is so easy to get caught up in looking to the future, it is so easy to get caught up in being stuck in the past. Why is it so hard to savor the present? I feel like I am always saying, oh, well I'll enjoy the present once I am home, or once this happens, or that. There is always a better time that I think I should value the present. I know that isn't a good way to live life.
A presentation and a paper will be put behind me today, looking forward to that. Devin is home, which makes me want to be home even more!! I am really excited though, because my mom is coming to visit me on Saturday evening and then staying until Sunday evening. The next day I have an open notes final and then a class meeting and then I go home! It was so beautiful yesterday, I went to the lake and soaked in the sun. As I think about this semester, and the things I have completed, I can't help but be proud. They were a few weeks that I didn't know how I was going to get everything done. There were times when I was super unsure whether I could do something, but I have done it. I am very happy these classes will be behind me in 7 days. Next semester is going to be a tough one also, I know I can do it though.
I should be writing the 6 page paper that is due tomorrow. Instead, I am on wikipedia reading about pf flyers. Seriously, I am not joking around. I feel as though when you have reached the point where you are researching shit like pf flyers to avoid doing your paper...you should slap yourself and then write your paper. I mean, I don't even have that much more shit to do, all I have to do is bang this paper out and one more thing is behind me. Lol. Ridiculous. Imma do my paper now.
I slept in this morning, it was amazing. I feel well-rested. Yesterday I started a list of things to do this summer. I know what happens when I return home, I am like oh yay, I'm home, and then after a day I find myself incredibly bored. Therefore, I am preparing myself ahead of time. If I have a list of things to do, then whenever I am bored I can just look at that list and pick something to do. The one thing I am really excited for is the painting class I am taking on Tuesday and Thursday nights. I have a feeling, with the right attitude, this summer could be a real good one.
"It was the close of a long chapter of life, the kind of conclusion that keeps you awake for days, pacing the house with the lights out and the phone off. This particular sad farewell left a hole in my chest and a bittersweet taste in my mouth, as saying goodbye has a way of doing." -Adam Young
I wish I was running right now. It is absolutely exquisite outside. I woke up to the sun shining around the edges of my shades. I love morning sun. I have a feeling this weekend is going to pass quickly. I work tomorrow, 11-4. All I want to do is put my bathing suit on and lay in the yard, by the pond, and sunbathe. Although, I am already pretty darn tan, but I just want to enjoy the warmth of the sun and look at the buds on the trees.
I ordered MAC lipstick yesterday. Lipstick is my guilty pleasure. I hope I picked the right color. I loved my clinique lipstick, in "beauty," but it is all gone. I almost ordered the same one, but I wanted to try something new. It is amazing how the grass has changed color in the span of about three days. The lawn is the most vibrant green color, so beautiful. I am doing well today. As much as I cannot wait for these presentations to be over, I am actually in a semi-good mood. Working on the powerpoint presentation for my Environmental Philosophy class has made me realize that the 10 page paper, that I have to write by next Saturday, won't be so bad. I am going to do my best to get that completed by the end of this weekend. I only have two real final exams, one of them is open book. I need to concentrate on my Economics final, I need to do really well on that. The good news is that my internship proposal was approved. I also found out that a guy in my class is going to spend his summer in Phoenicia, he has an internship in New Paltz. He's a real nice guy. Hopefully summer will be stress-free for the most part. wishful thinking..
I believe the best thing I can do right now is face all of it. Face the pain, face the betrayal and drink it all in. The only way I'm going to get stronger is if I take this head on. If I keep my eyes open and I'm always looking around, then I don't have to worry about what could be happening. If I look for the worst, then it can't sneak up on me. I don't want to pretend everything is okay. I pretended things were alright for too long, I enabled a situation that was unfair to me. I allowed someone to treat me like shit, and I know I don't deserve that. That same person was the one that told me a week ago that I have to love myself...it's interesting how things work. Maybe I've lost all my pride, but pride is only in one's head. I really truly believe in my heart that I deserve better than he was treating me. I also believe that there is someone out there that can treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, I'm just saying that there were things I wanted that I wasn't getting. I still want those things, and I don't think they are unreasonable at all. Everyone goes through tough shit like this. There a lot of people out there that have cried as much as I have, and have promised themselves that they would be strong. I know that I am not the first and unfortunately, I'm also not the last. I can't say what the next few weeks, or even the next few months will bring me, but I hope I can keep a steady heart and manage to smile and laugh a fair amount. This has been a tough year so far, I have a lot to learn, but I know that when I emerge from this I am going to be a stronger and wiser person. I wish to carry myself with as much grace as I can, to keep my chin up, and to be steadfast in my decisions. There are a lot of good memories that I've put behind me, I wish to smile when I recall those times, but not wish to return. Sometimes, I suppose, there is simply too much hurt and too much pain and too many feelings to keep digging something up. Regardless of how I feel about everything else, my heart is sick and tired of being broken. I have to protect myself, I have to fight for me this time. I'm in the process of building some pretty big walls, I hope that is the right thing to do.
I wonder. Is it possible that we encounter the best of things in our lives. If we experience the best of the best, does that mean we're always going to be disappointed because we will always make comparisons? Am I destined to always be disappointed? I suppose I need to give this whole idea some time to settle in. I know this is going to sound mean probably, but I don't intend it to hurt anybody. So far, I'm completely disappointed. Maybe I haven't given the alternatives fair chances yet....am I supposed to force myself to tolerate things that I am clearly not interested in? The answer I keep coming back to is time. I just need to give myself time. I don't really feel comfortable forcing myself to do something that I clearly don't want to do. There is one alternative that I am mildly interested in exploring. I intend to explore this particular alternative at a pace that I feel good about: slowly. I guess in a way I am scared. I'm afraid because for the first time in my life I don't want to jump right in again. I don't think this is anything to be afraid of, I think it is a good thing. I think I am finally learning. Maybe this time I will give myself the time I need to heal properly. I don't want to rip the band-aid off in a few months and find out that the wound is just as deep, and just as painful as it is now. I don't feel like putting up with bullshit, I don't feel like playing games. I'm realizing that it is true, what I need to do is pursuit those things that make me happy. I need to stand up on my own and realize that I don't need help from anyone. I've come to terms with where I am at in life. I have come to terms with what has happened. I have accepted the choices I have made and the choices that have affected me. I can't very well change anything that happened, and at this point I don't feel like I even want to change anything. Mistakes were made, it feels liberating to let those mistakes go.
"I am on my way to a brighter day." Thank you Adam Young, for being awesome and always saying the right thing. The photo above makes me think of cotton candy, which in return, makes me smile because I really like cotton candy. Finals and presentations being over is also going to make me smile. Unfortunately, that means I have to go home. I'd prefer to go far away and hike big mountains and see lots of beautiful exotic things. I am very much looking forward to receiving the book that I ordered from Amazon, "The Last Unicorn." Also, I will be getting my cartilage pierced yet again when I return home. I have the most perfect little silver leaf earring. Hopefully this time the piercing will heal in a reasonable amount of time, there is no way I am putting up with that shit for two years again. Not.worth.it. I am looking forward to several things: the new owl city album, sun, green leaves, motorcycle rides and possibly softball. But mostly the new Owl City album lol. Oh, AND MY SUPER SECRET SUMMER PLAN. I'm sorry but I had to say that, I understand that everyone is probably dying to know what it is now. I'm sure it isn't nearly as cool as you're imagining.....no, actually it probably is just as cool, if not cooler. Sorryyyy.
Sometimes I have no other choice but to laugh at the happenings of my life. Lately, I feel as though just as I begin to get up, life slaps me down again. As this happened to me today, I actually began to laugh. I literally laughed out loud (loled, if you will). I laughed, and it all seemed less significant the more I laughed. There are times in your life when you don't have many other choices but to be amused. Doesn't it seem that the more you want something, the more it eludes you? Then finally, when you give up the fight, whatever you have been chasing begins to follow you. The question to ponder is whether you are supposed to grab it while you can, or give it up like you intended. In my particular situation, I feel as though I am dealing with a stray cat. It has began to follow me but it is still too afraid for me to try to catch it. I intend to ignore this particular cat for a while longer, maybe with my absence it's heart will grow fonder.
Ah, hard to believe that I go home tomorrow evening. I infinitely enjoy getting in my car and listening to music at an un-necessarily high decibel. I enjoy speeding. I enjoy opening my sunroof. So I am looking forward to that, I hope the weather is nice.
Tomorrow morning is going to be kind of busy. I have to run, shower, pack my car, submit my Economics assignment and go to housing before 9:30. I'm going to probably get up at 6:30....go running for half an hour. I'll figure it out. Also, for policy tomorrow we are pulling up Garlic Mustard.....that will be interesting. Much better than having actual class. I probably won't post anything over Easter break, so this may be the last until Tuesday.
I just completed a pretty substantial amount of school work before noon. It's a miracle. Now let's hope work is busy and I make lots of tips!! Despite some rough days, this week does seem to be going by rather quickly. I spoke on the phone with one of my best friends last night. Talking to her was really really refreshing, I think it pulled be a little bit back from the edge of insanity. What a good conversation we had, just laughing and talking. I miss her terribly. More good news, I am having a good hair day today. haha. There are just those weeks that kick your ass. The last 2 weeks have been exactly that for me. Without weeks like that, I wouldn't appreciate the good ones as much. I suppose you have to take the bad with the good. That is something I can live with. I'll admit though, I come out of those weeks feeling worn out, mentally and physically. Running has become a really positive force in my life. For the first time in my entire life I find myself looking forward to the time I have to put on my running shoes and escape for a little bit. That is exactly it, running has become an escape for me. I really enjoy the feeling of just being on my own, knowing that nobody can reach me. Just getting away from everything, I think that's a really healthy feeling. I am feeling good today. I am feeling happy and optimistic. What a welcomed feeling, it seems as though happiness has been eluding me lately. Just as sleep has been. I have been just dreading to get in my bed lately, I just toss and turn. Every single night. Hopefully tonight I will be more successful at falling asleep. I used to go to bed early and fall right asleep and I was a deep sleeper. I would wake up feeling good. Not anymore. I should be thankful that I am sleeping at all, I suppose. I know eventually I will sleep, it is just a matter of time. I have no recollection of dreams also, which is most likely a good thing.
I'm happy that it is today, and no longer yesterday. I'm going to give this new day a better shot. Today, just happens to be my sister's 27th birthday. I can't call her until later because she lives in New Mexico, I think she would be very unhappy if I woke her up this early. My first morning class was canceled today! I have to practice piano, then class at 11, then group meeting, then piano lessons, then run, then try to get a lot of work done. I really hope these next three days hurry up already. So, I'm 21 years old. holy shittttt! I need to figure out what my resolution is going to be. I have a pretty good idea actually. My resolution is going to be to try to be a more aware, more mindful person. I often make decisions or say things that I don't really think about before I do them. Being more aware of my thoughts and my actions is going to be my resolution.
Well, today is the day. Doesn't feel any different or any more special than yesterday or the day before. I opened the two gifts from my parents, a silver and blue bracelet and a dress. I like both. What I really want to do is get in my car and just drive to the beach. I don't know where the closest beach is....but that is where I want to go. Unfortunately I have classes, so I can't do that. Currently I am listening to Dean Brody. I will probably go running around 4, after my last class. I am not expecting much out of this day.....and yes, I realize how depressing that sounds. One of my best friends called me at midnight to wish me a happy birthday. Without being on facebook, I doubt many other people will remember. I guess I don't really care, it's not really a big deal. The thing I'm looking the most forward to is work on Wednesday, how ridiculous is that? I like work though. Actually I do kind of enjoy the drive home also......another strange thing to enjoy, but it is what it is. Maybe on the way home I'll stop and pick up some chocolate milk from Battenkill Valley Creamery. The best chocolate milk ever!!! I may write again later, We'll see.
If only I didn't make things more complicated than they need to be. This is the predicament I am in: I feel as though I need to do something (there is a specific thing on my mind but I am not going to disclose it, so bear with me) but I don't know when to do it. I mean, I formulated a plan, which can be difficult enough when so many feelings are involved. Waiting is, perhaps, the most difficult part. The plan has been made, and it is such a good plan, but the waiting is absolutely killing me. But I know, I have to hold on. I know that if I make a move before the already decided upon time I will ruin the plan altogether. So I suppose in the mean time I will have to deal with myself. I have been mulling over this the entire day and it is driving me crazy. I have 4 more days to wait. I should be all super excited about my birthday, but for the first time ever, all I want is for my birthday to pass so it can be Friday morning already. And then there is the concern that some part of the plan will not go how I expect it to. There is really only one factor that could be a big concern if it doesn't play out how I imagine it to.....and then there is a second part that I really hope turns out a certain way, but I am expecting the opposite. Always expect the worst, that way you cannot get hurt. That is one of the things I've never known whether to believe or not. In this case, I am going to choose to believe it. Seems like sound advice if I don't want to destroy myself, maybe that is what I am headed for anyway. I guess I will find out on Friday. Currently, I am sitting at my desk. I should be typing a two-page essay, or emailing a professor, or emailing my boss, or finishing my internship proposal, or figuring how to register for a class tomorrow, or at very least finishing the drawing that is in progress. But of course, I am not doing any of those things because my style is more of a wait-until-the-last-minute kind.
Yayyyyy, I made $84 in tips last night. I am blessed to really like all of the people I work with. The girl I worked with last night really reminds me of myself in some ways. We have a history of very similar guy issues. She is really sweet. We hung out for a little after work. Right now I am listening to Owl City (surprise surprise). That reminds me of years ago, for my birthday, Katina and Deanna made me cards and deanna wrote "Suprise" on the front. I still have the card and we still laugh about that. I think that was the same year that Deanna was pissed because she made the card at Katina's house and Katina wouldn't let her print out picture to put on her card. haha, I love those two. Last night before work I started a new drawing. I worked on it for probably an hour and a half straight. It isn't done but it looks pretty decent so far. It is a landscape in pencil, difficult because the instance I am trying to draw it was dark out. So far I am liking it, still needs a lot of work though. It is going to be a gift, I don't need to finish it until Friday. Drawing has a similar effect on me as running does. When I am drawing, everything that has been on my mind seems to just melt away.
I slept so well last night. I worked 4-8, it was exhausting. There was a couple rude people that came in, that really wears me down. A table of 4 came in, they were probably 18 or 19, they didn't leave a tip at all. Abby and I were both waiting on them, and we didn't do anything wrong. Some people are just so disrespectful. I think some people are obnoxious without even being aware of it. So, anyway, it's a good thing I got a good nights sleep because I really needed it. Words, however, are not coming to me. Ohhhh, I just remembered something. Yesterday, I ran about a mile and a half on the rail trail, then I stopped and sat by a section of the Poultney River that has turned into a kind of marsh. I just enjoyed the sound of the birds and took everything in. After a few minutes, I spotted a turtle. He climbed up to a dry spot in the sun. Before I knew it there were 10 turtles sunning themselves. They were painted turtles and they were adorable. The little island they were on was getting so crowded that newcomers had to climb over the turtles already sunning. I think I spend 20 minutes watching turtles, it was relaxing. Today I am going to go to TJmaxx in Rutland. I don't need anything but I haven't gone shopping in a while so I feel the urge to do that. Well of course, and fuel up on Dunkin Donuts coffee. It is a little overcast today, but it appears as though the sun may come out sometime during the day. I work again 4-8 tonight. Hopefully the customers are less rude and I have more patience. It is worth it anyway, Friday and Saturday nights the tips are pretty good. Sorry for the lame post today, I wasn't really into it.
Last night was less than ideal. I laid in bed for about 2 hours, finally I gave up trying to sleep. There was a point, where I decided that I needed to do something else because it is very apparent I was never going to sleep otherwise. So I wrote for a while. I attempted sleep again, no luck. I called a friend that I've known since I was about 6 years old. We talked on the phone for about an hour. She is a couple years older than I and is currently attending graduate school. She is the kind of friend that I wouldn't trade for all the money in the world. I know I can call her any time of day or night, no matter what. Maybe most importantly of all, I know she is always going to tell me how it is, not just tell me what I want to hear. We have been through a lot over the years. This morning as I wrote her a letter, my memory unfolded and I sifted through years worth of events. There was four of us, we gave our parents hell. Three of us especially. But this particular friend was always the one with a level head, she was always the one that made the good decisions. Well, the four of us have grown up quite a bit, we've stopped being so young and crazy. Despite some of the trouble we got in, and some of the tears that fell, I look back on those memories and I smile. I know I've done some things in the past that were less than smart, but she always forgave me and she never judged me. As I think about upcoming Easter break and Summer break, these are the friends I look so forward to spending time with. They pretty much know everything about me. They know all of the stupid things I've done, even the ones I don't tell anyone, because they were there. The truth is, friendship is like a revolving door, it has to be able to swing both ways. Talking to my friend last night, and being able to pour out everything that was bothering me, and having her truly listen to me, was really what I needed. Having a friend that will pick up the phone at any time of night, makes me want to be that kind of friend as well. And I know I am, I just don't give myself enough credit sometimes. In particular I've forgiven a friend who I thought for so long didn't deserve my forgiveness, or my friendship. But in the end, nothing matters, if someone needs me I'm going to be there for them. I'm learning what is really important in life, genuine friendship is definitely one of those things. I am immensely proud of myself that I made it through last night without making any stupid choices. I put on my ipod and listened to Taylor Swift, I was already kind of sad and reminiscing anyway so I figured what the hell, why not? After five minutes or so, i drifted off to sleep to the sound of "Ours."
I'm attempting to write this entry in 9 minutes, because I have an Economics test at 9:30 and I really need to keep studying. So excuse me if this seems rushed. I am currently drinking Think-O tea. My mom sent me this tea in the mail last Spring and I only drink it before important tests. That is kinda nerdy and superstitious I suppose, but maybe it actually works! Let's hope it works, because I need as much mental clarity as I can get. Can I make a suggestion. If you are a smart individual that loves music, you will exclude music from your next relationship. I have a very difficult time listening to itunes. Unfortunately, my last relationship was so very much about sharing music and talking about music and even about making music! (does that sound perverse?) I find it quite difficult to listen to John Mayer and Taylor Swift in particular. Eventually I hope It will become easier to listen to the majority of their songs, I know there were always be several that bring with them a flood of memories and a fair amount of pain. I'm sure this is a common infliction. Lesson learned So it appears that people are actually reading my blog. Don't worry, I can't find out who you are, I can only see how many people view it per day. I am typically a kind of private person so this is a strange, new experience for me, but it is good. I actually have had this blog for several years but a month or so ago I deleted all my previous posts and started over and made it public. Trust me, you aren't missing out on anything....or maybe you are....my older posts were just seriously depressing and far too private. Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading what I write. Writing is a real enjoyable experience for me. I write when I'm happy, I write when I'm sad, I write when something is bothering me. Writing often keeps me from saying things I know I should refrain from saying. I also keep a journal that I write in almost every day. I actually have a sort-of-love-affair with beautiful journals. I just filled the most gorgeous leather journal, with a rose inscripted on the cover. I love photography and quotes as well, that is why you will see so many of them. Okay, I'm over my time limit. Economics will never be my cup of tea, but I'm going to give it a good shot.
