I'm in deep.

"Hey Sweetie, I need you here tonight

And I know that you don't wanna be leaving

Yeah, you want it but I can't help it

I just feel complete when you're by my side

but i know you can't come home." 

 

 I've never really dealt with something like this before. Anytime that someone in my life has gone away I've always been able to talk to them if I really needed to. I've never been so completely out of control of a situation. Although on the other hand, I am in control of how I react. I promised myself I'd be strong, and so far so good. Last night the amount that I miss him really hit me full force, but I went to sleep and in the morning I felt better. There is no use in making a tough situation even more difficult, may as well make the best of it. 

"I can't sleep, ain't no sleep a-coming

I'm just lying here thinking 'bout you

I'm in deep, falling deep into the picture

In my mind of everything were gonna do"  

Timing

Sometimes things happen to me and it makes me feel like maybe there is a God up there and maybe he's good to the skeptics too. It isn't really a secret that I'm on the long road to recovery after a 3 year relationship. I say I'm on the long road because I don't believe there is a short road if you want to do it the right way, and even if there was one I don't think I'd be on it. Regardless, things have been happening to me that leave me feeling good about the world; happy, content. I'm not in any way an advocate for rebound relationships, and that isn't exactly what I've done, or at least it isn't what I want to focus on. I want to focus on the fact that a really lovely person has come into my life, and I am so happy he did. Beyond the fact that I like this person as more than a friend, this is one of the things that I feel happened to help me. I typically try to give everyone a chance, I like people and I give them chances. I realize nobody is perfect. At the same time, I haven't came across a lot of people that I can open up to, I don't trust many people. Especially coming out of a relationship it can be challenging to trust people again. I really truly think this particular person is a really good person, one worthwhile of my trust. Not to mention, that despite the fact that I've only really known him for a couple months at most, and the fact that he is going away in 11 days (FOR GOOD) he's gonna be a person that I am always there for if he needs anything. That is a big statement for me to make, I understand that. Sometimes people make big gestures and big sacrifices, and I feel that they deserve something for that even though that isn't the reason they do it. How can I describe this person to help you understand? He is mindful and realistic and even though I've felt like an idiot in front of him, I never felt like he was judging me. He is smart and he is an individual, he respects himself and he respects others. He also puts his finger in my face and annoys me on purpose to watch me get irritated because he thinks it's cute, but I can deal with that. Anyway, I had a conversation with this person last night and it left me feeling really sad that there couldn't really possibly be a future with this guy and I tossed and turned in my bed before I was able to fall asleep. At 7:30 I woke up from a text from my best friend. After trying for 5 minutes to fall asleep again I decided to give up and I proceeded to lay in my bed and text my best friend for the next half hour. Getting that text is the next thing that seems to have happened at perfectly the right time. Talking to her managed to shake me out of my emotional bad mood and put things in perspective. I have the very best friends. The third thing that is amazingly perfect timing is the fact that my other best friend is coming home on the 17th, the day after the guy is leaving. Perfect timing? I think so.

Have faith

I've been thinking a lot lately about the things that we pass up in life. My contemplation on this subject stems from two things I've passed up in the past 6 months; a possible relationship and a job opportunity. There have been more than a couple times when I have thought about that job opportunity and the fact that I passed it up and I've felt the regret creep up. Mostly I try to not think about the things I've pushed aside, because I know there are better things that will come. Having faith that something else will pop up has been so key for me. The relationship is a bit easier to rationalize, because with love there often are things that just click or don't click and I really had a feeling something was just missing. Nevertheless, there are times I think about that guy and I feel a twinge of regret that I didn't give him more of a chance. In the end, however, my overall feeling is that there were many times in my life that I grabbed a hold of a relationship or an opportunity because I didn't have faith that something better was out there and I ended up regretting that the most. Another problem with suffering from a lack of faith is that it is harder to let go of things that deep down (or not-so-deep-down) feel wrong, because you don't have enough faith that something better will come along. Having faith in yourself and your abilities to achieve something better is far greater than any relationship or any job opportunity standing alone. Having faith in yourself can take you anywhere, and I am happy and thankful to have learned this lesson. There are days that I still get down on myself, but feeling steadfast in my abilities to achieve whatever I dream keeps me holding on. Have faith.

my top 5 favorite teas

If there is one thing I love it is tea. My mild obsession with tea fully took flight a few years ago and ever since I have been eager to find my favorites. Here is a list of my top 5 favorite teas, in no particular order. The descriptions have been copied from the company websites.


1. Celestial Seasonings Authentic Green Tea with white tea
  "An authentic green tea with the best of both worlds: green tea benefits like flavonoid antioxidants and great taste" 

You can purchase this tea on the celestial seasonings website 

2. Yogi Green tea Blueberry Slimlife
 "Green Tea Blueberry Slim Life is specifically formulated to help give you the energy you need to maintain an active lifestyle while dieting. We add Organic Green Tea and Garcinia Cambogia Fruit Extract in combination with Ginseng and Eleuthero Extracts to support stamina. Light and sweet Blueberry flavor and hints of Organic Hibiscus make Green Tea Blueberry Slim Life a fragrant and delicious addition to a weight loss program of exercise and a balanced diet.*"

3. Yogi Sweet Tangerine Positive Energy
 "This harmonizing and aromatic blend is designed to help energize and elevate your mood. An intriguing and delicious blend of Organic Assam Black and Green Maté in combination with Ashwagandha, Shankpushpi and Tulsi-herbs traditionally used to uplift the spirit- helps to provide energy and the natural support you need to positively influence your mood.* Sweet Tangerine Positive Energy combines sweet, floral Lotus Flower flavor with Tangerine flavor and Lemon Myrtle for a bright and spirited tea that’s sure to leave you smiling."

You can purchase this tea on the Yogi website 

4. Traditional Medicinal Organic Echinacea Plus
 "Organic Echinacea Plus® activates and stimulates immune cells,* helping you to reduce the duration of symptoms.It’s clinically tested! Organic Echinacea Plus® was the subject of a double blind, placebo-controlled clinical study showing it was effective in reducing symptoms as well as shortening their duration.Echinacea Plus® has a fresh and mild mint flavor with a twist of citrus. You can taste a characteristic tingle on your tongue from the alkylamides in echinacea, which is one of the important indicators of herb quality."

You can purchase this tea on the Traditionals Medicinal website 

5. Tazo Zen
 "Tazo® Zen™ Tea is a refreshing and invigorating blend of full-flavored, pan-fired green teas from China, blissfully combined with lemon verbena leaves, lemongrass and spearmint. Its sweet, lingering flavor can't be fully expressed in words, but must be directly experienced."

 You can purchase this tea on the starbucks website
 
 

Something to remember

I think one of the most important things to remember is that if you focus on yourself and on achieving your goals, you will rarely go wrong. When you invest in yourself you open up the way for other areas of your life to go right. Focusing on yourself isn't selfish, it is smart investing. Focusing on yourself is not putting your eggs all in one basket, as long as your mind is open. At this point in my life I am guarded and suspicious of mostly everyone. Getting out of a long relationship shook my faith in trusting people, I am the one person i can trust. In time I will be able to trust people again, but I do need that time. Getting hurt is no fun, and it is naturally something you try to protect yourself from. I'm really not sure what or who I want right now, but i do know what makes me happy. The plan is to do what makes me happy and just be okay with letting whatever is supposed to happen follow.

love

"I've loved you since the first time I saw you. It just... happened, like rain or sunshine. You can't change something like that." -In the Land of the Long White Cloud

It's amazing what a deep breath can do

Sometimes it is hard to decide what is truly best for yourself. Most of the time, in my case (and probably a lot of other people's cases), In my heart i know what is best for me, but i do what makes me feel better at the time. Fortunately, I know that this is how i operate and this time i am going to try to actually do what in the long term is going to help me the most. It is always harder when other people's feelings are involved, of course, but you must do what you feel is best. What i am getting used to is taking a deep breath and taking a step back from my emotions and trying to be aware that my outlook on a situation determines how i will feel about it. I had gotten so far from the fact that my happiness is number one, that i have to get used to putting myself first. The past month has been really good though, i feel the best about myself than i have in a long time. There are always going to be moments of struggle, but I am learning how to deal with that. 
       It seems like ever since I have changed my attitude, good things have been falling into my lap. I've been able to spend some really quality time with some of my best friends, I've let go a lot and found myself just laughing and being happy without any conditions to fear. Another funny change I have noticed in myself is how i make plans. I don't, basically. I've just been letting life happen and not trying to plan my life out so much. I've found that the level of stress in my life has dropped off, and i can finally really relax. Feeling good has made me feel even better. There were times in my life that i actually believed that i may not ever feel this good again. Thinking about that, and how close it seems i had been to giving up, is pretty sad. Maybe I wasn't as close as I think though, I mean here i am today doing pretty good I'd say. I don't want to make any real plans about what my future is going to look like, but I can pretty surely say that I think it's gonna be real fucking cool.

Find myself

"I try to find myself in things, but never quite make it, and end up losing myself in them."

-A New Earth

A new leaf

I am inspired to write today, for i feel that the new leaf I have turned over deserves to be written about. The last month of my life is like i turned around and started in a completely new direction, one that i may have traveled on quite some time ago and somehow got lost. I'm quite happy to have found my way again. I've learned that sometimes in order to embraced the change you need in your life you have to take some risks and make some unexpected decisions. Just deciding one day to buy a ticket to Los Angeles was apparently just what i needed to wake myself up from the proverbial sleep I'd been immersed in. I don't mean to say this to knock the last few years, I say it simply because it is the truth. 
                  I deeply appreciate the simplest things now. I feel closer to knowing myself now than i have in a long time, i feel in control and it is wonderful. I was driving to my grandparents house the other day and I was admiring the beautiful fall leaves and the sunshine like I'd never seen them before in my life. I think about the fact that my grandfather is doing so well only 3 days after having brain surgery and it's like nothing in the world has mattered so much, and nothing could drag me down. Instead of just being complacent to what i want and making my decision based so firmly on someone else I can actually just think about myself and be selfish in a way that is 100% acceptable, in my opinion.