Smile, today is a good day.

You can feel any way you want, starting right now. Increasingly I am realizing that happiness is something I can have despite the things going on around me. There are things that happen, things people say or do that I have many times in the past gotten me down. There are people that bother me, just their contact makes me upset. I'm sure often enough other people aren't trying to make you miserable or bother you, but they do. Most people have good intentions, but they don't always know how to navigate. Despite all the mistakes I have make, rarely is it that my intentions are bad. Sometimes I just act impulsively, or I don't realize the implications of my actions or words. Recently I have been presented with several situations where I could very easily get upset and feel miserable; but I didn't. Just this morning I saw something that in the past has had the power to ruin my entire day. For a long time this type of thing could ruin my day. This morning I saw it and for a few seconds felt myself becoming upset and I just stopped. I stopped. I remembered that I don't have to let those things define me or define my happiness. It was as easy as just realizing what was happened and making the decision to not let it bother me. And I'm telling you, I am having a good day. I found a positive quote and I posted it on facebook and I felt better, and I hope that quote made others feel better too. Let yourself be happy, smile.

Better Than I Used to Be

"I ain't as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better 

than I used to be"

There are days like today that remind me that I still have a fair amount of healing to do. I was listening to Tim McGraw's song "Better Than I Used to Be", and I felt how true his song really is. This morning I was blissfully unaware, riding in the car on my way to my grandma's house for breakfast at 8am when my stomach dropped and I felt myself fall swiftly out of my perfectly ignorant world when I saw my old boyfriend driving toward us. I don't know if there will ever be a good time to see this particular person, but I know there will be times when I am better prepared emotionally. The first time I saw him since the last time we actually hung out I was completely caught off guard as well and it did feel like a firm slap across the face out of the blue. I have yet to actually see him when one of us is not driving, but at this point I don't really think I am prepared for much more. Maybe though, the way you become emotionally prepared for such uninvited meetings is to fall straight into them, maybe fate has to throw that person your way a few times in order to mess you up a little bit and show you that you still wake up the next morning and the one after that. I suppose there is no protocol, things don't always go a certain way. I wonder if being confronted with emotionally offensive contact will make this healing process go more quickly in the long run. Or, would I feel nothing if I moved away and came back 2 years later and ran right into him? I tend to think that time is time and how I wrap my mind and my thoughts around the situation will determine the outcome. I create my own situation by how I react. I know there is some scar tissue from that last one, you may even stay the wound is still kind of bleeding, but in a way that I can come to terms with. A way that I already have come to terms with. I would be completely lying if I said every single day was a piece of cake. I would be lying if I said that old relationship never crosses my mind, it does. The important part is that every day I remember what I have in my life, the good things. Every day I remember what I left behind, and I would make the same exact decision today and I'd make it over and over. I don't think I could truly express what walking away from a bad situation did for my self-confidence and self-respect. The fog that surrounded me cleared away when I was able to be strong.  At the end of the day I made that decision on my own. There is nothing more empowering than doing something that you didn't think you had the strength to do anymore, or that you were so afraid of doing. Those old memories, they still make my heart ache. But I have no regrets about leaving that behind. Every day I ask myself if I am happy with the people that are a part my life and every day the answer is yes.

Keep (or start) crafting my friends.

I am learning as I go that life is often more about knowing how to deal with yourself than anything else. When I look back on mistakes I've made in my life they are predominantly all a product of not knowing how to deal with my emotions. Sometimes what you really need to do instead of eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's and calling your ex-boyfriend 20 times is to channel that energy into something else. I can't tell you how much this has helped me when I have managed to pry my thoughts away from whatever it was that was bothering me. I am lucky to have many hobbies: painting, writing, scrapbooking, sewing, baking, knitting, crocheting. However, sometimes I just take that opportunity to learn a new craft or read a book. My boyfriend has been away at Marines bootcamp for 39 days (I haven't been counting or anything..). Let's just say that leaves me with a lot of free time to think about how much I miss him. I know the best thing I can do for myself and for my relationship is to stay busy. The best way I've found to keep my mind from dwelling on what I'm missing is to keep my hands busy painting, drawing, crocheting. I miss him terribly, but I don't want to ever be that girl that sits around feeling bad for myself, rotting into the ground waiting for my boyfriend. Keeping myself busy and enriching myself doesn't mean I care about him or miss him any less. I maintain my own identity, because I am afraid my relationship would crumble if I didn't. I am afraid my boyfriend would find me a painfully boring person if I sat around and waited for him. And to put it frankly, I would be really bored as well. No matter where you are in your life, no matter what it is that is haunting your thoughts, I dare you to try something new. Read a new book. Take a painting class. Learn how to knit. I don't claim to be an expert, but keeping my hands busy crafting has kept my mind pleasantly busy as well.

And so it begins..

I am growing increasingly weary of facebook. There, I said it. I know you're probably thinking "Okay, so then stop going on it." Well folks, it just ain't that easy. I am addicted, definitely. Facebook has became a routine and as many of you know it can be difficult to break something when it becomes a habit. But really, It has became tiresome to scroll through my news feed. Half the posts I just don't care about and another quarter of them are either negative, annoying, or both. Not to mention, on my quest to be a better, more fulfilled, person I think facebook just incubates bad habits and characteristics in a person. There are better, more enriching ways I should be spending my time. Now to wean off or go cold turkey, that is the question.

   On another note, I finally made a terrarium! I will admit that it didn't come out exactly as I had hoped it would, but it is a good first try. I have plenty more supplies to make another, I just need to find the perfect glass container. I think having at least one more terrarium in my room will give it a nice visual appeal. There is something slightly beyond words about having living things in your space. I had fun making the first one, especially going moss hunting outside. Moss is really an amazing thing, in the dead of winter it is still living and green. One of my absolute favorite things to do is walk barefoot on a lush patch of moss. I love the feeling of moss on bare toes. Perhaps that is part of the essence of summer. 

Here is a photo of the three terrariums I made. Aren't they lovely? I am really loving the red flowers in the tall jar and the little cow I found for the rounded one. I recently finished one of the large Yankee candles (another obsession of mine) and I melted the remaining wax from it and transformed it into the smallest terrarium you see there.

thankful

It's amazing how quickly your life, your attitude, your perspective, can change. I'd say that more often than not I wake up in the morning and throughout the day I keep having thoughts about how grateful I am for the things I have. There are things I want that I don't have. I don't have the job I want to have, and I don't have an apartment of my own. But despite not having some things I'd like to have, I am happy. I am blissful. I am grateful. I am calm. I have a handful of really awesome, honest, true friends. I have a wonderfully supportive family that wants the best for me. I have a bachelor's degree.  I have a job that I enjoy. I have a wonderful, kind, understanding, boyfriend. A warm, happy relationship. I am so thankful.