Sometimes I really drop the ball and I dive into an ocean of regret and insecurities. I always end up doing things I regret. It's as If I swim down 4,000 feet only to realize that what I was looking for was only a few feet down, and then I panic because I realize I don't have any oxygen. As many people do, I harbor a lot of insecurities. I am my own biggest critic. I guess you could call it a phase, where I just self-destruct for a few weeks. I get this idea in my head that I need to change. I mull over my imperfections something wicked. Well, I've just come out of a phase as described. The conclusion I've drawn is that I do more harm then good when I fall into this phase. There are habits I'd like to lose and things I would like to dedicate myself to, but tearing myself down is not the correct way to go about it. It is really as simple as becoming aware of what I would like to work on, and then taking steps to change it. On a different note, I have been thinking it is time for a haircut. My hair is quite long at this time and I love it. However, due to frequent mistreatment (straightening mostly) I have developed a more than fair amount of split ends. I would probably have to get 7-8 inches cut off to remove all of the split ends, and that is putting it lightly. The truth is, I have been putting this off because I am embarrassed at what the hairdresser will say. Last time I went to an actual hair cutting place I got a lecture about how I need to get my hair cut more frequently to avoid massive amounts of split ends. I LIKE HAVING MY HAIR LONG AND I DON'T WANT TO SPEND $15 EVERY 2 WEEKS ON HAIRCUTS, OKAY, SO HOP OFF. Really, I was paying for a hair cut, not for a lecture. After that ordeal I began having my mom cut my hair. After being cut with scissors by my mom I promised her she would never come near me with scissors again. Therefore, I am faced with only one choice. Also, I would like to be adventurous and try out bangs again which requires an individual with some skill. I am preparing myself for the worst. I will probably end up going next time I am home, which will intentionally be after I turn 21. So I can get sufficiently drunk if things don't go well. hahaha, Starting off 21 on the right foot.
Something I would love to experience: A hot air balloon ride. Feeling the wind and the sun up there must be amazing. I've always been such a sucker for pure blue skies, I'd love to be a part of that. Today is an absolutely gorgeous day. It was 50 degrees earlier, the sky is a Robin's egg blue color. Days like this are so torturous in March, because I know very well that tomorrow it could snow. In fact, supposedly it is going to snow 6-12 inches on Friday. Last weekend I cleaned out my room when I was home. I threw out 3 large bags of paper garbage and one large bag of plastic garbage. Being able to actually walk into my walk in closet, for the first time in about 13 years, was a pretty exquisite feeling. The next step will be donating the clothes I don't wear...about two-thirds of them and reducing the number of items in my room. A cluttered room makes me feel like my mind is cluttered as well. I was really in the market for a good Spring cleaning...of course my car will be next. I think half of the gravel from the GMC parking lot is on my driver's side floor mat. It is hard to believe that I will be heading home for the summer in a short 5 weeks. Unfortunately I have a fair amount of work to do between now and then. Also, it is always the hardest to concentrate during this last month because the weather starts to get warm and sunny. Definitely looking forward to getting some sun and going swimming and eating lots of ice cream.
I always admire those that can write an amazing blog entry and not sound like a completely crazy individual. Not sounding like a nutjob will definitely be something I aim for. I have recently come to realize that I really enjoy writing. However, the enjoyment I derive from writing is purely a product of leisure writing. I don't recall I've ever gone at writing an essay with anything less than dread and I doubt that will ever change. I hope, that much like drawing, practice makes perfect when it comes to writing. Getting thoughts on paper has always been an issue for me. Thought overload is a common affliction. On occasion though, something exciting will happen to me. I will be writing and suddenly a word will come to me that I wasn't even aware was in my vocabulary. I cannot think of such words at will, they just come to me randomly. For example, I used the word 'exude' the other day for probably the first time ever. These last few weeks have been a bit crazy. Between internship applications and junior review portfolios and scholarship applications and registering for the fall and housing applications I have been busy. Most of these things are behind me now, thankfully. The constant thought, of course, is what will I do in December when all of this school related stuff is over. For the last 10 years it has been all about school, soon it will be over and I haven't talked much about what comes after. To be honest, I am not worried. Things have a way of working out. It isn't that I don't have ideas, I have quite a few but I am pretty unsure what I want in general. Anything could happen in the next 9 months, I'm not going to get ahead of myself. On another topic, It seems as though in the last year I've had a couple previously close people drop out of my life for various reasons. One has been particularly harder to let go of. I do believe I've learned quite a bit about myself through this person. For one, they taught me how to light a match which has proved to be a very useful skill. I have witnessed the power that trust can have through this individual. It makes me sad to let go. I've never been good at letting go, I always hold on too long and then have lots of regrets. It is especially hard when you don't want to put a part of your life behind you, but it just feels like the right thing to do. I won't lie, letting go hurt like hell and I know it's going to ache for a while. Ultimately, I feel like I gave it all I had and I can't beat myself up about too much. Regardless of the rough patches I experienced with this person, the entire experience can be characterized as a positive one, and I sure wouldn't trade it for anything. Most importantly, I wish him the very best in his life. I will always have faith that he can do anything he sets his mind to, all he has to do is set his mind.
