"Don't know how long it's going to take to feel okay"

As long as I can run, I don't need to hide

I believe the best thing I can do right now is face all of it. Face the pain, face the betrayal and drink it all in. The only way I'm going to get stronger is if I take this head on. If I keep my eyes open and I'm always looking around, then I don't have to worry about what could be happening. If I look for the worst, then it can't sneak up on me. I don't want to pretend everything is okay. I pretended things were alright for too long, I enabled a situation that was unfair to me. I allowed someone to treat me like shit, and I know I don't deserve that. That same person was the one that told me a week ago that I have to love myself...it's interesting how things work. Maybe I've lost all my pride, but pride is only in one's head. I really truly believe in my heart that I deserve better than he was treating me. I also believe that there is someone out there that can treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, I'm just saying that there were things I wanted that I wasn't getting. I still want those things, and I don't think they are unreasonable at all.
          Everyone goes through tough shit like this. There a lot of people out there that have cried as much as I have, and have promised themselves that they would be strong. I know that I am not the first and unfortunately, I'm also not the last. I can't say what the next few weeks, or even the next few months will bring me, but I hope I can keep a steady heart and manage to smile and laugh a fair amount. This has been a tough year so far, I have a lot to learn, but I know that when I emerge from this I am going to be a stronger and wiser person. I wish to carry myself with as much grace as I can, to keep my chin up, and to be steadfast in my decisions. There are a lot of good memories that I've put behind me, I wish to smile when I recall those times, but not wish to return. Sometimes, I suppose, there is simply too much hurt and too much pain and too many feelings to keep digging something up. Regardless of how I feel about everything else, my heart is sick and tired of being broken. I have to protect myself, I have to fight for me this time. I'm in the process of building some pretty big walls, I hope that is the right thing to do.