"I ain't as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better
than I used to be"
There are days like today that remind me that I still have a fair amount of healing to do. I was listening to Tim McGraw's song "Better Than I Used to Be", and I felt how true his song really is. This morning I was blissfully unaware, riding in the car on my way to my grandma's house for breakfast at 8am when my stomach dropped and I felt myself fall swiftly out of my perfectly ignorant world when I saw my old boyfriend driving toward us. I don't know if there will ever be a good time to see this particular person, but I know there will be times when I am better prepared emotionally. The first time I saw him since the last time we actually hung out I was completely caught off guard as well and it did feel like a firm slap across the face out of the blue. I have yet to actually see him when one of us is not driving, but at this point I don't really think I am prepared for much more. Maybe though, the way you become emotionally prepared for such uninvited meetings is to fall straight into them, maybe fate has to throw that person your way a few times in order to mess you up a little bit and show you that you still wake up the next morning and the one after that. I suppose there is no protocol, things don't always go a certain way. I wonder if being confronted with emotionally offensive contact will make this healing process go more quickly in the long run. Or, would I feel nothing if I moved away and came back 2 years later and ran right into him? I tend to think that time is time and how I wrap my mind and my thoughts around the situation will determine the outcome. I create my own situation by how I react. I know there is some scar tissue from that last one, you may even stay the wound is still kind of bleeding, but in a way that I can come to terms with. A way that I already have come to terms with. I would be completely lying if I said every single day was a piece of cake. I would be lying if I said that old relationship never crosses my mind, it does. The important part is that every day I remember what I have in my life, the good things. Every day I remember what I left behind, and I would make the same exact decision today and I'd make it over and over. I don't think I could truly express what walking away from a bad situation did for my self-confidence and self-respect. The fog that surrounded me cleared away when I was able to be strong. At the end of the day I made that decision on my own. There is nothing more empowering than doing something that you didn't think you had the strength to do anymore, or that you were so afraid of doing. Those old memories, they still make my heart ache. But I have no regrets about leaving that behind. Every day I ask myself if I am happy with the people that are a part my life and every day the answer is yes.
