"Don't know how long it's going to take to feel okay"

As long as I can run, I don't need to hide

I believe the best thing I can do right now is face all of it. Face the pain, face the betrayal and drink it all in. The only way I'm going to get stronger is if I take this head on. If I keep my eyes open and I'm always looking around, then I don't have to worry about what could be happening. If I look for the worst, then it can't sneak up on me. I don't want to pretend everything is okay. I pretended things were alright for too long, I enabled a situation that was unfair to me. I allowed someone to treat me like shit, and I know I don't deserve that. That same person was the one that told me a week ago that I have to love myself...it's interesting how things work. Maybe I've lost all my pride, but pride is only in one's head. I really truly believe in my heart that I deserve better than he was treating me. I also believe that there is someone out there that can treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, I'm just saying that there were things I wanted that I wasn't getting. I still want those things, and I don't think they are unreasonable at all.
          Everyone goes through tough shit like this. There a lot of people out there that have cried as much as I have, and have promised themselves that they would be strong. I know that I am not the first and unfortunately, I'm also not the last. I can't say what the next few weeks, or even the next few months will bring me, but I hope I can keep a steady heart and manage to smile and laugh a fair amount. This has been a tough year so far, I have a lot to learn, but I know that when I emerge from this I am going to be a stronger and wiser person. I wish to carry myself with as much grace as I can, to keep my chin up, and to be steadfast in my decisions. There are a lot of good memories that I've put behind me, I wish to smile when I recall those times, but not wish to return. Sometimes, I suppose, there is simply too much hurt and too much pain and too many feelings to keep digging something up. Regardless of how I feel about everything else, my heart is sick and tired of being broken. I have to protect myself, I have to fight for me this time. I'm in the process of building some pretty big walls, I hope that is the right thing to do.

"Crazy Girl" Eli Young Band

"My step is sure and I know my name"

I wonder. Is it possible that we encounter the best of things in our lives. If we experience the best of the best, does that mean we're always going to be disappointed because we will always make comparisons? Am I destined to always be disappointed? I suppose I need to give this whole idea some time to settle in. I know this is going to sound mean probably, but I don't intend it to hurt anybody. So far, I'm completely disappointed. Maybe I haven't given the alternatives fair chances yet....am I supposed to force myself to tolerate things that I am clearly not interested in? The answer I keep coming back to is time. I just need to give myself time. I don't really feel comfortable forcing myself to do something that I clearly don't want to do. There is one alternative that I am mildly interested in exploring. I intend to explore this particular alternative at a pace that I feel good about: slowly. 
      I guess in a way I am scared. I'm afraid because for the first time in my life I don't want to jump right in again. I don't think this is anything to be afraid of, I think it is a good thing. I think I am finally learning. Maybe this time I will give myself the time I need to heal properly. I don't want to rip the band-aid off in a few months and find out that the wound is just as deep, and just as painful as it is now. I don't feel like putting up with bullshit, I don't feel like playing games. I'm realizing that it is true, what I need to do is pursuit those things that make me happy. I need to stand up on my own and realize that I don't need help from anyone. I've come to terms with where I am at in life. I have come to terms with what has happened. I have accepted the choices I have made and the choices that have affected me. I can't very well change anything that happened, and at this point I don't feel like I even want to change anything. Mistakes were made, it feels liberating to let those mistakes go.

Farewell nightmares, I am free.

"I am on my way to a brighter day." Thank you Adam Young, for being awesome and always saying the right thing. The photo above makes me think of cotton candy, which in return, makes me smile because I really like cotton candy. Finals and presentations being over is also going to make me smile. Unfortunately, that means I have to go home. I'd prefer to go far away and hike big mountains and see lots of beautiful exotic things. I am very much looking forward to receiving the book that I ordered from Amazon, "The Last Unicorn." Also, I will be getting my cartilage pierced yet again when I return home. I have the most perfect little silver leaf earring. Hopefully this time the piercing will heal in a reasonable amount of time, there is no way I am putting up with that shit for two years again. Not.worth.it. 
          I am looking forward to several things: the new owl city album, sun, green leaves, motorcycle rides and possibly softball. But mostly the new Owl City album lol. Oh, AND MY SUPER SECRET SUMMER PLAN. I'm sorry but I had to say that, I understand that everyone is probably dying to know what it is now. I'm sure it isn't nearly as cool as you're imagining.....no, actually it probably is just as cool, if not cooler. Sorryyyy.

 

"Here's the sun come to dry to rain, warm my shoulder and relieve my pain."

Sometimes I have no other choice but to laugh at the happenings of my life. Lately, I feel as though just as I begin to get up, life slaps me down again. As this happened to me today, I actually began to laugh. I literally laughed out loud (loled, if you will). I laughed, and it all seemed less significant the more I laughed. There are times in your life when you don't have many other choices but to be amused. Doesn't it seem that the more you want something, the more it eludes you? Then finally, when you give up the fight, whatever you have been chasing begins to follow you. The question to ponder is whether you are supposed to grab it while you can, or give it up like you intended. In my particular situation, I feel as though I am dealing with a stray cat. It has began to follow me but it is still too afraid for me to try to catch it. I intend to ignore this particular cat for a while longer, maybe with my absence it's heart will grow fonder.

"To know him is to love him"