It's amazing what a deep breath can do

Sometimes it is hard to decide what is truly best for yourself. Most of the time, in my case (and probably a lot of other people's cases), In my heart i know what is best for me, but i do what makes me feel better at the time. Fortunately, I know that this is how i operate and this time i am going to try to actually do what in the long term is going to help me the most. It is always harder when other people's feelings are involved, of course, but you must do what you feel is best. What i am getting used to is taking a deep breath and taking a step back from my emotions and trying to be aware that my outlook on a situation determines how i will feel about it. I had gotten so far from the fact that my happiness is number one, that i have to get used to putting myself first. The past month has been really good though, i feel the best about myself than i have in a long time. There are always going to be moments of struggle, but I am learning how to deal with that. 
       It seems like ever since I have changed my attitude, good things have been falling into my lap. I've been able to spend some really quality time with some of my best friends, I've let go a lot and found myself just laughing and being happy without any conditions to fear. Another funny change I have noticed in myself is how i make plans. I don't, basically. I've just been letting life happen and not trying to plan my life out so much. I've found that the level of stress in my life has dropped off, and i can finally really relax. Feeling good has made me feel even better. There were times in my life that i actually believed that i may not ever feel this good again. Thinking about that, and how close it seems i had been to giving up, is pretty sad. Maybe I wasn't as close as I think though, I mean here i am today doing pretty good I'd say. I don't want to make any real plans about what my future is going to look like, but I can pretty surely say that I think it's gonna be real fucking cool.

Find myself

"I try to find myself in things, but never quite make it, and end up losing myself in them."

-A New Earth

A new leaf

I am inspired to write today, for i feel that the new leaf I have turned over deserves to be written about. The last month of my life is like i turned around and started in a completely new direction, one that i may have traveled on quite some time ago and somehow got lost. I'm quite happy to have found my way again. I've learned that sometimes in order to embraced the change you need in your life you have to take some risks and make some unexpected decisions. Just deciding one day to buy a ticket to Los Angeles was apparently just what i needed to wake myself up from the proverbial sleep I'd been immersed in. I don't mean to say this to knock the last few years, I say it simply because it is the truth. 
                  I deeply appreciate the simplest things now. I feel closer to knowing myself now than i have in a long time, i feel in control and it is wonderful. I was driving to my grandparents house the other day and I was admiring the beautiful fall leaves and the sunshine like I'd never seen them before in my life. I think about the fact that my grandfather is doing so well only 3 days after having brain surgery and it's like nothing in the world has mattered so much, and nothing could drag me down. Instead of just being complacent to what i want and making my decision based so firmly on someone else I can actually just think about myself and be selfish in a way that is 100% acceptable, in my opinion.

"Why do Fools Fall in Love?"

I downloaded a bunch of songs. So, I absolutely love old music. One of the songs I downloaded was "Why do Fools Fall in Love" By Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers. That song immediately makes me want to get up and dance. I also downloaded a couple Sam Cooke songs, he is my ultimate favorite. 
        I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night. Eventually I did get to sleep, thankfully, and I woke up before my alarm around 8:25. I have a bunch of things to do today. The majority of my day will be spent working on this Environmental Philosophy paper that I have barely started. Ten pages, ugh. I proceeded to do some packing last night, I put away some of the clothes I know I won't wear between now and Monday. This weekend, when my mom comes, we will start to pack my car. I'd like to have that all done by Monday so I can just get in my car and go when my last class meeting is done. Also, Sunday is Mother's day, I was working on a necklace for my Mom, but I haven't finished it. Okay, it is paper writing time. 

Time to cut my losses

 

How do you take advice? What do you do with things that people tell you? My problem is that I am gullible and easily persuaded. If something tells me something I immediately just instinctively trust the best in people and I believe them. I am perceptive enough to question what they say soon after, but I fall into traps super easily. Saying that, I just had a conversation with someone I haven't spoken to in a while, and they told me something that I hadn't heard before. A pretty important, possible deal breaker in a part of my life. My first instinct is to be furious and impulsively act. But since I know this about myself; I stopped.                   So now, what do I do? Formulate a plan, I suppose. Now, I do know this information is based somewhat on truth. My concern is that the person exaggerated a fair amount, or is just a little misguided. But at the same time, what they said may not effect my decision, whether it is true or not. Mostly because I think I've been coming to that conclusion anyway. If that is the case, that this particular information wouldn't change my conclusion...then I know that is the right thing to do, for sure. I'm gaining strength. All I need is a little bit of time to gain momentum. Luckily I have 4 days. Bring it on.

Grace

 

Merriam-Webster defines Grace as "ease and suppleness of movement or bearing, a charming or attractive trait or characteristic, a virtue coming from God, the quality or state of being considerate or thoughtful." She handles her problems with grace and dignity, they use as the example. Grace is a characteristic that I strive to adopt. To me, to have grace means to let negative things roll of your back, and treat the world and those you meet with respect and be just the right amount attentive. I feel that to have grace, means to treat others and yourself with respect. To take things, not because you think you deserve them, but because you think anyone deserves to be valued and deserves to be loved. This may all sound so cheesy, but to have grace is a great compliment and accomplishment in my eyes.
           My actions don't always reflect the way I feel. I often don't grant myself the appreciation or the credit that I have worked hard for. I have never been one to let anyone walk all over me, until the last year or so. I've done my share of wrong-doing as well, but two wrongs don't make a right. I hope these next 6 days I can work on keeping my chin up, and allowing myself some of the respect that I know I, like everyone else, deserve. I'm not blaming, I'm not pointing fingers. People often don't realize the implications of their actions. Sometimes feelings are hurt without any ill intention, without any maliciousness. I believe this situation is a good example of that, but nonetheless, It is my responsibility to protect myself, and to remove myself from a situation when I don't feel I am being treated right. I know I'm not perfect, I've paid for many mistakes I've made. There is no shame, nothing wrong, with taking a few steps back and putting aside some time to recover, to heal. 

"Oh I miss those days, as the years go by, Nothing's sweeter than summertime."

The days finally seem as though they are passing very slowly. Yesterday felt like an eternity. Most of the hard work is behind me now. I have one paper and a couple exams to go. All done with presentations, thank god. It seems like lately, there is always something I have to do. I am going to be so relieved when I can go home and relax for like 4 days, until I have to look for a job and start my summer classes. 
        It is so easy to get caught up in looking to the future, it is so easy to get caught up in being stuck in the past. Why is it so hard to savor the present? I feel like I am always saying, oh, well I'll enjoy the present once I am home, or once this happens, or that. There is always a better time that I think I should value the present. I know that isn't a good way to live life.