"Choking on salt water, I swim."

I got myself up at 6:30 this morning and went for a run. Well, my alarm clock got me up, but I actually went! Probably the longest running streak I've gone since high school, two days. haha. Tomorrow morning I have to get up early anyway to go to a doctor's appointment in Castleton to get an eye exam to renew my driver's license. Stooooopid. But I'd like to not have to take my driver's test all over again, so it's probably worth it. Then, after that, I have work from 11-8. What-a-day. Just as I expected, these days are flying by.
          So, there is this squirrel on campus. I mean, there are lots of squirrels, but there is this ONE particular squirrel that has completely stolen my heart. He/she is so freaking cute. First of all, this squirrel is little. I'm talking half the size of all the other squirrels. Now, I don't know if it is a baby or what, but nonetheless, adorable. Secondly, this squirrel is not gray, no, gray squirrels are run-of-the-mill. This little guy/girl is RED. Actually, now that I say that I realized it is probably a red squirrel, I think maybe they are smaller than gray squirrels. I don't think I have ever seen a red squirrel until now, but I wouldn't mind seeing a whole lot more of them
       Although I have gotten a lot done these last two weeks, these are the things I have not gotten done: an oil change, a haircut, laundry, check my mail, send mail....aaaand there is something else that I can't remember. All of these things have completely taken the back burner to the massive amount of other more important stuff I have going on. Oh yeah, practice piano is the last thing. I have piano lessons this afternoon and I have practiced a total of about 30-45 minutes this week. uh-oh. I figured honesty is the best policy, I'm just going to fess up and admit I was super busy and barely practiced. In the mean time, I'm going to go practice now so I can at least get an hour in. 
       

Are there blog rules?

Yes, I know this is my third post today. I am well aware, thanks. I just had to write AGAIN. This will make up for some of the days I forget to post. So I just went on a run. I was all waiting until it was warm enough to run outside...I hate to be a complete Debbie downer, but it may have actually been too warm. Well I survived. I felt....out of shape.....butttttt it also felt good to go out and get my blood pumping and move my legs around. I am going to try to run every day. This week that is going to involve going to bed early and getting up early. Endorphins are perhaps the most amazing things on this planet. Natural anti-depressant, and they're free. You can't beat that. I want to set a goal, I want to run a marathon, or maybe a half marathon first. Maybe I will try to achieve that the Spring I graduate. That would be two accomplishments I would be really proud of. I want my body to feel good and healthy again. I am also considering (prepare yourself for this one) giving up meat again....for a while at least. Maybe this will be my 21st birthday resolution. Hey, why not?

Adam Young

"...and I’d be a total liar if I said I wanted to let go. But I knew I had to.

       Perhaps THAT, dear friends, is the hardest part of saying goodbye to someone; knowing you MUST move on even though every fiber of your being screams at you to obey your instincts to cling for dear life. Maybe that’s why the mountaineer must grit his teeth, dig in his claws and continue the climb, no matter the cost, no matter the odds, no matter the price. Every aching muscle screams at him to give up and go home but he MUST be strong, resilient, resolved and steadfast. It’s funny how the word “integrity” means nothing until you stare Anguish in the face and tell her sister Agony to beat it.

I stood on the steps like a stranger as I watched her walk to the car, back out the driveway, pull away down the street and disappear into the night.

And let me tell you this:  

Letting go made a mountain climber out of me, because saying goodbye was my Everest.

       However, despite such odds, the summit has been reached. Saying goodbye was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life… but of course, it goes without saying that my strength is not my own, for I’ve been given far more grace than I deserve. Despite such a daunting task, I rest assured because I know I am not climbing alone, and that’s a heartening thought. The inescapable issue is the fact that I’ll never be able to listen to Remember To Breathe by Dashboard Confessional again without thinking about her. I suppose I can live with that.

       You’ve got mountains of your own, I’ll bet on it. Take heart. Be encouraged. Remain steadfast. Hang on for dear life. You’ve got a better grip than you realize.

An excerpt from Adam Young's blog post "Saying Goodbye." He is such an eloquent writer. An inspiration. 

"She always wears blue"

stomachache. headache. heartache. I would probably feel better if I ate something, but the thought of food right now is nauseating. I just took a cold-eeze, which probably isn't helping my cause. Probably doesn't make a difference, I think I'd feel like this either way.
      I was up until 2:30 this morning. I woke up and I had knocked a bunch of stuff off my dresser, an indication of how I slept. Restless doesn't even begin to cover it. Since I barely got any work done last night, I had to wake up at 6:30. Usually I'm pissed at my alarm clock and I just want to go back to sleep, but this morning I felt numb. Unfortunately that feeling soon left, leaving me feeling sick to my stomach and weak. I have a full day ahead of me, oh joy.
Ironically, today I used the very last page in a beautiful leather journal that was a gift from someone I used to care about deeply. I didn't want to end that journal on such a sour note but I didn't have much choice, I felt like I needed to write. 
        So, what's next? Where do I go from here? Naturally I just want to curl up in my bed and cry my eyes out. I've done that too much in the last 2 years. Maybe it really is time to put this to bed once and for all. It just doesn't sit right with me, I wish it did....or maybe I don't, who knows. It is overcast today, which fits my mood nicely. I couldn't really care less what the weather is like today, I won't be spending any time outside. Still, the sunshine at least had a chance of raising my spirit. I've had this thought more than once, sometimes I really wish I had a choice between physical injury and emotional injury. 9 times out of 10 I would choose physical. At least if I break my arm it hurts and then it's done. There are remedies for broken bones, but there is no cure, no medicine for a wounded heart. I shouldn't complain, I brought this on myself, but unfortunately that doesn't make me feel any better.
        I never wanted to be this girl that mopes about her sorrows. So I will do my best to exclude this specific ailment from my blog from now on. I can't make any promises, but I will do my very best. Nobody wants to read about heartache....actually a lot of people probably do, but for my own sake I'm going to try to steer clear of it. Nothing was ever made better by being dwelt upon. Plus, it is my intention to elude these feelings as much as humanly possible, I know how unsuccessful that usually is but I have to give it a try. You know what they say, out of sight, out of mind. Wishful thinking, maybe. But maybe not. Maybe this time will be different, you just never know.

You know I won't give in

I just went on the most beautiful drive. So I started in the direction of Lake St.Catherine. I didn't really know where I was going but I like to just take random roads and explore. I usually end up having to turn around a few times. At one point I found myself on a gravel road in the middle of the woods, lets just say my car doesn't love gravel roads. Anyway, I go over a bridge that cuts through a narrow part of the lake and I take a left hand turn. I head up a hill and when I get to the top there is the most amazing panoramic view. We're talking lake and rock cliff mountains to the left and farms and rolling fields to the right. An absolutely breathtaking view. I LOVE finding things like this. I wanted to just stop, pull over and take a photo, but I didn't have a camera with me of course. Neither do I have a camera that would have done that view any justice. May I also mention that my sunroof was open, my window was cracked and I was kind of hot! I continued to drive amidst farms and fields and forest, completely lost, until I spotted a sign for POULTNEY. So yes, I was lost and I found my way back to school without my GPS. Which I had already dug out of my glove compartment to find out that it didn't have any signal. I really wasn't concerned anyway, I knew I could just backtrack if worst came to worst. I must admit, there is a real feeling of freedom and accomplishment when you don't have to rely on cellphones or computers or GPS etc. to find your way home. 
          This little expedition also made me truly realize how different Vermont is from New York. I mean I knew VT and NY were quite different. But I guess I didn't fully grasp it until today. It seems like in NY there are very few places you can go that are really far from a Walmart or a McDonald's. In Vermont however, general stores still exist, and people still go to them....normal people, not just tourists. Even if there was a Walmart nearby (which i'm sure there wasn't) you would never know there was. VT just gives you a feeling that you're getting away. Most Vermonters are practical for a reason, because they have no choice! They drive 4-wheel drive vehicles because many live on gravel roads and they actually need 4-wheel drive. Don't get me wrong, I know there are Vermonters that are much like those folks from NY or there are people right over the border, in Granville, that spend most of their time in Vermont. I am generalizing. But even the fact that there is a certain inconvenience about VT that, to me, is kind of nice. I'll admit that I sometimes get annoyed about the ridiculous potholes on roads around here and the amount of time the plows wait to plow, but I think the problem is me, not the Vermont roads. I have been spoiled and not very practical, living in NY. Maybe the correlation between asshole NY drivers and well-maintained NY roads is not a coincidence. Perhaps New Yorkers need to take a deep breath and simply wait for the snow to stop before they get out on the roads, or they need to slow down and the potholes wouldn't be such a problem.
      Of course it may take me a few years to ACTUALLY slow down. I have, in fact, lived in NY my entire life, it's practically in my blood. But I came back to my room feeling so happy and healthy and free. Which is impressive because I left my room kind of angry and depressed. Getting away from things, if only for a little while, made me realize that I shouldn't take life too seriously. Things seem to have a way of working out, no matter how bad they seem. And I received a really happy phone call when I got back to my room also. My conclusion, is that this day isn't as bad as it seemed a few hours ago, and I think I'm going to survive the rest of the semester.

Close your eyes, and I will twirl you around.

Finally I have some free time. Although this is the busiest time of the school year, I enjoy it the most. I like knowing that I only have a few weeks left, it always flies by. This is a strange time in my life, I am on the verge of a lot of change. Preparing for the conclusion of my college career is just an insane, abstract proposition. I can't really wrap my mind around the idea of not being in school. I mean, obviously I understand it, but I don't think I really will fully grasp what it all entails until it is here. After 17 years in school, not being in school is ridiculous. Maybe I should go to graduate school? haha. We shall see.

       People deal with change differently. I don't see myself as a person that is very good at embracing change. I am working on that, because I think it is really crucial. Everything always works out in the end, why not embrace change in your life? Eventually it is going to change anyway, whether you like it or not, so you may as well welcome it. Life keeps on coming, whether you are ready for it or not.

        It is a wonderful, sunny day. Light blue skies. The high for today is supposed to be 62 degrees. That means that when I drive to Rutland in a bit, I can open my sunroof. Yessssss. In addition, I plan to get a medium coffee from Dunkin Donuts. When I think about Dunkin Donuts I feel a glimpse of what it must feel like to be a crack-addict. I get way too excited when I think about Dunkin Donuts coffee. Ridiculous. My addiction all started last summer at my job. This summer, I have the same job so I presume my addiction will continue to be fueled. I suppose it isn't the worst thing in the world. Maybe I shouldn't call it an addiction, just a guilty pleasure.

"Real life I'm sad to see you go, I'll miss you with all my heart, but I'd rather be alone."

Ah, I am so sick. Running on allergy medicine today. I have a presentation in about half an hour on the relationship between social media and the natural environment. An interesting subject to ponder. The presentation is only 2 minutes long, thankfully. It has gotten me thinking, though. Social media, the internet, In my opinion, is no substitution for spending time in nature. The constant information that is thrown at internet users has it's place, but this doesn't particularly lead to any understanding of any situation.  It is so easy to get carried away with psychological needs and complaints while browsing the internet. Every social pressure and image is displayed for all to see. There is a sense of peace and slice of reality in nature that just isn't present in the online world.
       I can hardly believe it is April 8th already. Before I know it, it is going to be Summer break. I have mixed feelings about that of course. I am looking forward to relaxing for a bit, that is certain. Vermont will be missed though, I am sure. I apologize for my sort of boring, short posts lately. I have been really really busy. Hopefully this weekend I will have more time to write a thoughtful post.