Bittersweet

"It was the close of a long chapter of life, the kind of conclusion that keeps you awake for days, pacing the house with the lights out and the phone off. This particular sad farewell left a hole in my chest and a bittersweet taste in my mouth, as saying goodbye has a way of doing."
 -Adam Young

"Long were the nights when my days once revolved around you."

I wish I was running right now. It is absolutely exquisite outside. I woke up to the sun shining around the edges of my shades. I love morning sun. I have a feeling this weekend is going to pass quickly. I work tomorrow, 11-4. All I want to do is put my bathing suit on and lay in the yard, by the pond, and sunbathe. Although, I am already pretty darn tan, but I just want to enjoy the warmth of the sun and look at the buds on the trees. 

        I ordered MAC lipstick yesterday. Lipstick is my guilty pleasure. I hope I picked the right color. I loved my clinique lipstick, in "beauty," but it is all gone. I almost ordered the same one, but I wanted to try something new. It is amazing how the grass has changed color in the span of about three days. The lawn is the most vibrant green color, so beautiful. I am doing well today. As much as I cannot wait for these presentations to be over, I am actually in a semi-good mood. Working on the powerpoint presentation for my Environmental Philosophy class has made me realize that the 10 page paper, that I have to write by next Saturday, won't be so bad. I am going to do my best to get that completed by the end of this weekend. I only have two real final exams, one of them is open book. I need to concentrate on my Economics final, I need to do really well on that. The good news is that my internship proposal was approved. I also found out that a guy in my class is going to spend his summer in Phoenicia, he has an internship in New Paltz. He's a real nice guy. Hopefully summer will be stress-free for the most part. wishful thinking..

"Don't know how long it's going to take to feel okay"

As long as I can run, I don't need to hide

I believe the best thing I can do right now is face all of it. Face the pain, face the betrayal and drink it all in. The only way I'm going to get stronger is if I take this head on. If I keep my eyes open and I'm always looking around, then I don't have to worry about what could be happening. If I look for the worst, then it can't sneak up on me. I don't want to pretend everything is okay. I pretended things were alright for too long, I enabled a situation that was unfair to me. I allowed someone to treat me like shit, and I know I don't deserve that. That same person was the one that told me a week ago that I have to love myself...it's interesting how things work. Maybe I've lost all my pride, but pride is only in one's head. I really truly believe in my heart that I deserve better than he was treating me. I also believe that there is someone out there that can treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else, I'm just saying that there were things I wanted that I wasn't getting. I still want those things, and I don't think they are unreasonable at all.
          Everyone goes through tough shit like this. There a lot of people out there that have cried as much as I have, and have promised themselves that they would be strong. I know that I am not the first and unfortunately, I'm also not the last. I can't say what the next few weeks, or even the next few months will bring me, but I hope I can keep a steady heart and manage to smile and laugh a fair amount. This has been a tough year so far, I have a lot to learn, but I know that when I emerge from this I am going to be a stronger and wiser person. I wish to carry myself with as much grace as I can, to keep my chin up, and to be steadfast in my decisions. There are a lot of good memories that I've put behind me, I wish to smile when I recall those times, but not wish to return. Sometimes, I suppose, there is simply too much hurt and too much pain and too many feelings to keep digging something up. Regardless of how I feel about everything else, my heart is sick and tired of being broken. I have to protect myself, I have to fight for me this time. I'm in the process of building some pretty big walls, I hope that is the right thing to do.

"Crazy Girl" Eli Young Band

"My step is sure and I know my name"

I wonder. Is it possible that we encounter the best of things in our lives. If we experience the best of the best, does that mean we're always going to be disappointed because we will always make comparisons? Am I destined to always be disappointed? I suppose I need to give this whole idea some time to settle in. I know this is going to sound mean probably, but I don't intend it to hurt anybody. So far, I'm completely disappointed. Maybe I haven't given the alternatives fair chances yet....am I supposed to force myself to tolerate things that I am clearly not interested in? The answer I keep coming back to is time. I just need to give myself time. I don't really feel comfortable forcing myself to do something that I clearly don't want to do. There is one alternative that I am mildly interested in exploring. I intend to explore this particular alternative at a pace that I feel good about: slowly. 
      I guess in a way I am scared. I'm afraid because for the first time in my life I don't want to jump right in again. I don't think this is anything to be afraid of, I think it is a good thing. I think I am finally learning. Maybe this time I will give myself the time I need to heal properly. I don't want to rip the band-aid off in a few months and find out that the wound is just as deep, and just as painful as it is now. I don't feel like putting up with bullshit, I don't feel like playing games. I'm realizing that it is true, what I need to do is pursuit those things that make me happy. I need to stand up on my own and realize that I don't need help from anyone. I've come to terms with where I am at in life. I have come to terms with what has happened. I have accepted the choices I have made and the choices that have affected me. I can't very well change anything that happened, and at this point I don't feel like I even want to change anything. Mistakes were made, it feels liberating to let those mistakes go.

Farewell nightmares, I am free.

"I am on my way to a brighter day." Thank you Adam Young, for being awesome and always saying the right thing. The photo above makes me think of cotton candy, which in return, makes me smile because I really like cotton candy. Finals and presentations being over is also going to make me smile. Unfortunately, that means I have to go home. I'd prefer to go far away and hike big mountains and see lots of beautiful exotic things. I am very much looking forward to receiving the book that I ordered from Amazon, "The Last Unicorn." Also, I will be getting my cartilage pierced yet again when I return home. I have the most perfect little silver leaf earring. Hopefully this time the piercing will heal in a reasonable amount of time, there is no way I am putting up with that shit for two years again. Not.worth.it. 
          I am looking forward to several things: the new owl city album, sun, green leaves, motorcycle rides and possibly softball. But mostly the new Owl City album lol. Oh, AND MY SUPER SECRET SUMMER PLAN. I'm sorry but I had to say that, I understand that everyone is probably dying to know what it is now. I'm sure it isn't nearly as cool as you're imagining.....no, actually it probably is just as cool, if not cooler. Sorryyyy.