A valuable lesson

The past few months have taught me a valuable lesson, or maybe it was the past 3 years that taught it to me. Realistically, I think it was the demolition of everything I had built over the past 3 years that taught me the lesson. I have been looking at the recent loss in my life as the end all and be all of everything I know. That is pretty much true, but therein lies the problem. There is more to life then what I have been investing in. I haven't put near enough energy and emphasis on the construction of a career or on the pursuit of fresh air. I haven't really appreciated going out and doing things, by myself if I have to. I stopped doing things because there wasn't always someone there to do them with me. I've made a resolution to do many things differently for the next 20 days, it has started off well. I have forced myself to go into Target even when I wanted to just go home, I forced myself to go for a walk on the rail trail even though it was cold. I made a list this morning and I got 7 out of the 11 things done so far. I made plans for tomorrow so I don't end up sitting in my room the entire day. I've been going on facebook less. It feels good to not focus on the confusion in my life. If my prediction is right, I think the complication might seem a little clearer once I stop analyzing it. You know what? I'm doing okay.

 

Learn to calm the waves and master the monsters

Sometimes it is so difficult to live by the advice of my favorite quote:

"Learn to calm the waves and master the monsters, without allowing yourself to be carried away or caught by them."

-Thich Nhat Hahn

Sometimes it is difficult to dodge the waves in your life. Sometimes I wonder what the right thing is to do, and I almost always come to the conclusion to avoid over-thinking whatever is bothering me. Over-thinking tends to complicate thoughts and tangle you up in feelings you had no interest in becoming involved in. Life, I've learned, can be simple if we let it be. I can't change the way people are going to act or the things they are going to say, but I can control how I react to them. I'm choosing to not react to the waves in my life. I'm choosing to mix things up and start doing things a little differently. I'll let you know how that goes. Stay tuned.

Things I will never stop doing or never start doing

As I was riding in the car last night I had an interesting idea. Throughout the day I had been observing things that people said or did that I didn't really like. I decided to make a list of things I want to promise myself that I will never be, or will never stop being. Here it is so far, I will be adding to it as other things come to me.

1. A person that doesn't listen. 
If there is one thing that I have learned it is how important it is to listen to people. Everyone needs to have someone that they can talk to. I enjoy listening to people, because I care about the people in my life and because I know it helps them. Not to mention, sometimes you are so busy talking that you don't hear what people are trying to tell you about yourself. Listening is a habit that can really open up a relationship. I never want to stop listening.

2. Someone who doesn't recognize nor appreciate blessings in their life. 
I am constantly reminding myself of all the things I have to be grateful for. The people that I love, through their actions, are constantly reminding me why they are in my life and that is how I know they are meant to be there. There is nothing worse than the person that is constantly complaining and dwelling on the things they don't have. People who are appreciative are the people that have more blessings, because they can recognize them.

3. Someone who doesn't say 'I love you' enough.
This goes along with the previous one. Appreciating someone isn't enough, I never want to be the person that doesn't know how to tell someone that they love and appreciate them. The simplest things can show people you care and make all the difference.

4. A person that doesn't respect themselves. 
I've made choices in my life that I look back at and realize that weren't reflecting what I want or think anyone deserves. I am relating particularly in terms of a relationship, but I've written this one to have a much more broad meaning. I want to keep making choices throughout my life that don't undercut my sense of self-worth.

5. Someone who settles. 
 I don't want to settle for less than happiness. I don't want to settle for just money or just convenience. I want to get the most out of the decisions I make, and retain the strength to change things that are no longer lifting me up. 

6. A person that gets caught so much up in other people's business that they lose touch with themselves.
I have come across many people that make everyone's business their own. Some of these people are the same ones that have absolutely no grip on their own flaws or their own problems. I am always amazed at how evident it becomes to me how these people could probably fix their own problems if they spent just a fraction less of their time on meaningless gossip and more on their own life. This is something that bothers me more than anything when I come across it. And this might be the biggest thing on the list, because I think it leads to losing touch with so many aspects of your own life. I never, ever, want to be the person that doesn't focus on own life because I'm too busy focusing on meaningless gossip.

memory lane

My biggest problem with memory lane is that there aren't always rainbows or butterflies there, sometimes it still hurts a little, or a lot, to take that all so familiar stroll down memory lane. There are a lot of good times and smiles and laughs that I can think about, but the monsters down memory lane have a way of jumping out and dragging me to a place I don't care to visit. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that the pain and the sadness in my life has always taught me some sort of lesson, and for that I am thankful. I know that despite the pain I've felt, and the pain I still sometimes feel, I am strong and resilient and I'm going to be okay. Those 'monsters' in the past might get me down some days, but there are always gonna be other things that can lift me up again. I've felt sadness because I've taken risks and I've let people into my heart. I don't want to ever regret loving someone. I can regret decisions and mistakes, but showing someone love is something that is never worth regretting. When I feel like I'm getting dragged down parts of memory lane that I don't want to go I remind myself that I can be strong, that's a decision I can make. Make the decision to be strong.

Smile, today is a good day.

You can feel any way you want, starting right now. Increasingly I am realizing that happiness is something I can have despite the things going on around me. There are things that happen, things people say or do that I have many times in the past gotten me down. There are people that bother me, just their contact makes me upset. I'm sure often enough other people aren't trying to make you miserable or bother you, but they do. Most people have good intentions, but they don't always know how to navigate. Despite all the mistakes I have make, rarely is it that my intentions are bad. Sometimes I just act impulsively, or I don't realize the implications of my actions or words. Recently I have been presented with several situations where I could very easily get upset and feel miserable; but I didn't. Just this morning I saw something that in the past has had the power to ruin my entire day. For a long time this type of thing could ruin my day. This morning I saw it and for a few seconds felt myself becoming upset and I just stopped. I stopped. I remembered that I don't have to let those things define me or define my happiness. It was as easy as just realizing what was happened and making the decision to not let it bother me. And I'm telling you, I am having a good day. I found a positive quote and I posted it on facebook and I felt better, and I hope that quote made others feel better too. Let yourself be happy, smile.

Better Than I Used to Be

"I ain't as good as I'm gonna get, but I'm better 

than I used to be"

There are days like today that remind me that I still have a fair amount of healing to do. I was listening to Tim McGraw's song "Better Than I Used to Be", and I felt how true his song really is. This morning I was blissfully unaware, riding in the car on my way to my grandma's house for breakfast at 8am when my stomach dropped and I felt myself fall swiftly out of my perfectly ignorant world when I saw my old boyfriend driving toward us. I don't know if there will ever be a good time to see this particular person, but I know there will be times when I am better prepared emotionally. The first time I saw him since the last time we actually hung out I was completely caught off guard as well and it did feel like a firm slap across the face out of the blue. I have yet to actually see him when one of us is not driving, but at this point I don't really think I am prepared for much more. Maybe though, the way you become emotionally prepared for such uninvited meetings is to fall straight into them, maybe fate has to throw that person your way a few times in order to mess you up a little bit and show you that you still wake up the next morning and the one after that. I suppose there is no protocol, things don't always go a certain way. I wonder if being confronted with emotionally offensive contact will make this healing process go more quickly in the long run. Or, would I feel nothing if I moved away and came back 2 years later and ran right into him? I tend to think that time is time and how I wrap my mind and my thoughts around the situation will determine the outcome. I create my own situation by how I react. I know there is some scar tissue from that last one, you may even stay the wound is still kind of bleeding, but in a way that I can come to terms with. A way that I already have come to terms with. I would be completely lying if I said every single day was a piece of cake. I would be lying if I said that old relationship never crosses my mind, it does. The important part is that every day I remember what I have in my life, the good things. Every day I remember what I left behind, and I would make the same exact decision today and I'd make it over and over. I don't think I could truly express what walking away from a bad situation did for my self-confidence and self-respect. The fog that surrounded me cleared away when I was able to be strong.  At the end of the day I made that decision on my own. There is nothing more empowering than doing something that you didn't think you had the strength to do anymore, or that you were so afraid of doing. Those old memories, they still make my heart ache. But I have no regrets about leaving that behind. Every day I ask myself if I am happy with the people that are a part my life and every day the answer is yes.

Keep (or start) crafting my friends.

I am learning as I go that life is often more about knowing how to deal with yourself than anything else. When I look back on mistakes I've made in my life they are predominantly all a product of not knowing how to deal with my emotions. Sometimes what you really need to do instead of eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's and calling your ex-boyfriend 20 times is to channel that energy into something else. I can't tell you how much this has helped me when I have managed to pry my thoughts away from whatever it was that was bothering me. I am lucky to have many hobbies: painting, writing, scrapbooking, sewing, baking, knitting, crocheting. However, sometimes I just take that opportunity to learn a new craft or read a book. My boyfriend has been away at Marines bootcamp for 39 days (I haven't been counting or anything..). Let's just say that leaves me with a lot of free time to think about how much I miss him. I know the best thing I can do for myself and for my relationship is to stay busy. The best way I've found to keep my mind from dwelling on what I'm missing is to keep my hands busy painting, drawing, crocheting. I miss him terribly, but I don't want to ever be that girl that sits around feeling bad for myself, rotting into the ground waiting for my boyfriend. Keeping myself busy and enriching myself doesn't mean I care about him or miss him any less. I maintain my own identity, because I am afraid my relationship would crumble if I didn't. I am afraid my boyfriend would find me a painfully boring person if I sat around and waited for him. And to put it frankly, I would be really bored as well. No matter where you are in your life, no matter what it is that is haunting your thoughts, I dare you to try something new. Read a new book. Take a painting class. Learn how to knit. I don't claim to be an expert, but keeping my hands busy crafting has kept my mind pleasantly busy as well.