cloudy with a chance of no job :(

Having a bad day. As I write this I am using my college diploma, my 38k a year bachelor's degree, as a mouse pad. I probably could have saved myself some serious cash and just gone to staples and purchased a mouse pad for 4 bucks. I could've splurged and got the $10 one and it still would've been a better investment. I have these days, these terribly discouraging days. I know this will all make me a stronger person, but I have to say that I am scared. I am happy here, very happy to be in North Carolina.. but scared because I don't want to have to leave. I know I'll look back on this time very fondly one day. Honestly, I'm looking at it fondly right now too, but that isn't to say that I'm not kind of scared shitless. Growing up is hard. The decisions I make get more difficult every month, every year. I have to say tho, I do feel like I am getting closer.

Happiness & money

The past few days have been rather full of tough choices or weighing out choices that I may be presented with soon. There are times when it feels as though I can never have everything. Is it crazy that I want it all? I want the relationship and the job and the friends and location that I love. Or can't I have a combination of most of those things? haha. Anyway, sometimes all it takes is one piece of really good advice at the right time. Yesterday one of the people closest to me gave me this advice; "Your happiness is more important than money." Of course this belief is one of the reasons I love this person. Maybe I was desperately in need of approval that I was making the right choice to turn down a job that I was desperately suspicious that I would hate. At the end of the day I think I did the right thing. I always have valued hard work, but I don't think I realized how hard you have to work sometimes. I was under the sort of impression that if I went to college and studied hard and got a degree that WAS the hard work. Does it sound foolish that I thought that? Well anyway, I'm learning the hard way.. or the "hard work" way I should say.

On that note, I had a job interview yesterday. Let me be more specific. I had an interview for a job that I am extremely excited about. I really really really am crossing my fingers, this would be an amazing opportunity for me and I would only have to move about an hour and a half away from where I am now. I also received an email from another organization I applied to saying that they will be setting up interviews within the next few days. Exciting things happening in my life. What I really need is any job right now so I can pay my student loan. 

Moving right along, I can't wait for tomorrow to get here. I am traveling along the coast to attend a formal event on Saturday night. I purchased a very pretty blue gown a month or so ago and I'm looking forward to getting dressed up. I am fortunate enough to have a very lovely date as well :D

The torture that is landing a good job

I've decided to try something out. Here is where the idea began. It will be two years in December that I packed nearly all of my belongings into my car and headed home. I had done everything I could to get done with school a semester early (although I would technically graduate in May I was satisfied to just be going home). You see my boyfriend was at home and I had big dreams that I felt would just materialize. I'm not sure I actually thought that, but I certainly didn't imagine that two years later I still wouldn't have a job in the field of my degree. So a couple boyfriends and what feels like 200 job applications later I sit here in a Barnes and Noble in North Carolina thinking about my life
 and future. I've decided to chronicle my experiences looking for a job in this crazy world. I know I'm not alone in my journey as a job seeker, and in hopes of helping ease the minds of those of you in my position I encourage you to laugh at my experiences. Laughter, I believe, truly is the best medicine.

I went to a staffing agency yesterday and only after being presented with a math quiz that was to be completed without a calculator did I realize I have completely forgotten how to do long division. Yes, I know, seems kind of pathetic.. However, doesn't that speak to how utterly ridiculous it was that my ability to do long division was being used to see if I was eligible for a job. I graduated with honors with a bachelor's degree... That either completely discredits our education system, or our system of hiring or both (I'm going to go out on a limb and say both). Not to mention, I wasn't trying to get a job doing accounting (I'm sure they especially get to use calculators) Lets just say I was a little bit pissed off. Give me a god damn calculator. I'm not going to say I used my phone calculator, I think that would show off my ability to solve problems tho.. If I had in fact used it.

I must say tho, I left that place strangely cheerful, because I was starting to realize how truly fucked up our system is. I had shifted from thinking there was something wrong with me to being suspicious of where the bigger problem lay. Let me end this by saying that I googled how to do long division when got home, nobody's going to pull that one over on me again

23.

I have a good feeling about the 23rd year of my life. Somehow this year feels like it is going to be more about me and what makes me happy than the previous few years have been. I want to emphasize something, for the sanity and the sake of anyone reading this. Not every moment of every day is perfect and bright and cheerful. I am just like everyone else in that I have days that I feel less than optimistic and happy. I am very much about self-awareness and taking steps back to really look at myself and the person I am and the person I want to be. Having some bad days is something I can come to grips with, because it makes the good days that much better. Last night I watched a few Jenna Marbles videos and the one that really struck me is called "Draw My Life" (Here is the link to the video) Above all, this video reminded me that every single one of us has lonely days, lonely weeks even. We all have hard decisions to make, Every one deals with heartbreak in their lives. You are never alone, even if it simply be in the fact that there are other person out there going through similar things to you. 

On another note, there is this girl at a local gas station that is so sweet every time i go there. I genuinely appreciate that she goes out of her way to be friendly and nice. I'm making more of an effort to be friendly and go out of my way for people. It might not make any difference in the world, but it feels worth the risk.

Reality

Interesting things have been happening in my life. The past month and a half or so I have spent a considerable amount of time running around and a considerable reduced amount of time on tumblr and the computer in general. I might add a reduction in time spent in my room as well. I've been running and working and studying and kayaking and hiking and eating good food and playing softball and reading and exploring and going to baseball games and going to the beach. My life feels fuller than it has in a long time and I feel so very satisfied. I've had this notion for a long time that I couldn't do things on my own. It seems that I thought I needed all this emotional support from the wrong people. I don't mean this in any way negatively towards those people either, this post is way more about myself. I've discovered that it was surprisingly easy to bounce back to being on my own, it was remembering that I never truly am on my own. I went for a hike with an old friend that I hadn't seen in quite a while and he passed along a quote that someone passed along to him. This is how it goes: 

"My sky feels smaller when no longer sharing the horizon,
Its twice the size and all to myself. Selfish, You say? It’s a humble reminder that the world was yours from the start"

Grace, not perfection.

Some days it feels like there is nobody I can talk to. Today is one of those days. The last few days have been stressful; between work and the uncertainty of what is next for me. There are moments where I'd just like to crumble, and reduce myself down. Feeling a little lost in this big old world. There are times when I wonderful how everyone else navigates through life and dodges obstacles. I'd say more likely than not, it's actually about how one deals with obstacles they are presented with, not about dodging. Today is a day where I feel I've hit a dead end. I am finishing up the short answer questions for an Americorps application. I'm trying to persist with this, even though it feels like a hopeless day, I know tomorrow has unlimited potential to be better. And as one of my favorite quotes goes;

 "I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection."
 

peaceful

I am sitting here at my desk listening to a song that has been one of my absolute favorites for a long time. The song is "Bless the Broken Road" By Rascal Flatts. If ever down the road I happen to get married I'd like to have this song played. I am straight relaxing right now, about to start studying for the LSAT. It is beautiful outside and the light through my window is perfect. I've been looking out that window for the past 23 years, and somehow I feel like I'm on the edge of a stage in my life. I know there will be a time in my life where I will miss the view from this window and I will miss the peacefulness I enjoy in this room with music the playing. And right now I feel like I can appreciate what i have while still being exciting about what's next.